Tuning in…
Tuning in…
Castaway
1 appearance
Writer and campaigner against forced marriage and honour violence; founded a charity offering refuge and practical help.
On the island
Eight records
Mera YaarFavourite
Any Bangara track for me reminds me of my father, my heritage, all the wonderful things about being an Indian girl here in Britain with a Sikh heritage. And as one who was rejected by her family, it's so important to remember the good times.
Within our household we were not encouraged to listen to any Western music. My mother would get angry at us watching Top of the Pops. But my brother was a huge Bob Marley fan. And you know, you could hear Bob Marley blaring through the house because he was indeed a light to listen to his music. And my father used to drive us to school every morning. And on the way to school he would be singing Jamming in the car, the Bob Moyley track. He didn't know any other line bar the one word jamming.
I have chosen Stevie Wonder Part-Time Lover because it was the first vinyl LP I ever listened to and the music just lifted me and made me feel that I was actually living part of my adolescence and youth when really I wasn't but it made me feel alive.
I've chosen REM Losing My Religion because this was a track that was around when I was at university and I was always the mature student in class and I had responsibilities of children and there's the feeling of I was at university but I didn't really have a university life.
We're going to hear Maxwell, this woman's work, because there's a line there that talks about all the things we should have said that we didn't say. I remember being at my mother's bedside when she was dying of cancer, looking at this woman who was weak. And thinking why, mum? Why have you wasted all these years behaving as you have? And my mother's last dying words were, In Punjabi, Rubina, I'm coming to you. And it's that feeling of regret and how these families can disown their children and miss out on so much life, including my children.
The first reasoning is, when I grew up, one of the things we understood to be extremely shameful was dating. You couldn't even talk to a boy. And I had a secret relationship with a young man, and he was the man I eventually ran away with. And we have a daughter in common, Natasha, and she danced to this song as her first wedding song and we were both there with pride, with tears in our eyes. It was a reminder of the love we had at that time and also our daughter today having the right to choose whom she wanted to marry because of the decisions we made back then.
My family were devout Sikhs. My mother was a devout Sikh woman, and one of the things that she made me believe as a young person was that. I had to go through with the marriage because it was written within the Guru Granth Sabh, which is the Sikh Bible, and as a young person. I believe that because you believe what your parents tell you. But being forced to marry has nothing to do with religion whatsoever. In fact, Sikhism is fundamentally underpinned by equality and compassion. So I learnt that later in my life and in my late twenties I was baptised as a Christian and my faith became the most significant factor in my life because ultimately it taught me how to let go of my family and forgive them. But one of my fears was, and this is the line in the song, I hadn't spoken to God for so long and I was afraid He wouldn't listen to me. So I'd like to play Jesus Walks.
It is Cat Stevens' moonshadow because I didn't even know Cat Stevens existed until seven years ago. And I remember being bowled over with his music, so I'm finding new things out even today.
In conversation
Presenter asks
2:12How would you sum up those [honour] crimes?
Crimes of honour are rooted within a family that operates a system whereby they control their daughters, as I was, into behaviours where they do not wish you to bring shame or dishonour on them. So the kind of things that we were not allowed to do that were deemed as dishonourable were things like integrating in wider British society, dating, wearing makeup, cutting your hair, exploring your sexuality. And if you did them, you were at risk of being harmed, forced into a marriage. And indeed, today we know here in Britain there are murders which are deemed honour killings.
Presenter asks
3:11How much does your own personal experience factor in the kind of advice that you give these young women?
I think my personal experience is a key factor. It has to be because it's what forms me, and it it's what forms the organization and sharing that experience inspires people and gives them courage as well.
Presenter asks
8:55What was your immediate reaction to her [your mother showing you the photograph of the man you were to marry] face to face?
My immediate reaction was, I'm not marrying this man, and it just came out, and I said that to my mother. And she humoured me, smiled at me, she said she would put the picture on the mantelpiece and I'll get to like it over time. And I said, Mum, no, I want to do my G C S you know, I want to finish school. Dare I say, go to college For me It was the thought of being with somebody from India whom I had no connection with whatsoever. I was not going to do that.
The keepsakes
The book
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
Maya Angelou
this is an autobiography about her early years, but it really spoke to me personally. The strength of character and the love in that book, and I truly understood why the caged bird sings.
The luxury
My father was a farmer in India, and he came here in nineteen fifty two and he kept an allotment, and I remember he used to bring all the vegetables home, and he used to have a milk chirp And used to go to our local dairy and bring the milk back to the house, and I have that milk churn at home. When I think about my family and the hurt and the rejection and the pain, that is the one thing that reminds me of all the love that ever existed, and that's so important to embrace in your life.
Presenter asks
10:02What happens when you were locked in the bedroom? Were you let out?
Well, somebody was always watching the door and I had to knock on the door and food would be brought to my door. [What was going through your head?] Desperation, isolation, thoughts of suicide. thoughts of wanting to escape, but didn't know how to. Really felt like I had no choice but to go through with the marriage.
Presenter asks
12:02When did you actually make contact with your parents again? You'd run away and you'd run away with your boyfriend, you'd gone to Newcastle. What did you do? You called them?
No, I was reported missing to the police. My parents reported me missing, and I was tracked down by the police. So almost thirty two years ago, here was an officer presented with this young teenager, crying her eyes out, begging him not to send her back home because she was being forced to marry. And he believed me, and he he reassured me that he would not tell my family where I was on the condition that I rang home. and told my family I was safe and well. and I miss my family dreadfully. I wanted to go back home, so I rang home in a payphone up north. And my mother answered the phone. And I said it's me, mum. I don't want to marry that man. And she said, You come home and marry who we say, or from this day forward you are dead in our eyes.
Presenter asks
14:37When somebody is disowned, does that mean literally all ties are cut? Or were you sending them things?
One of the things I continued to do was write cards for them, write letters, send photographs of my children. And I have to say sometimes my family did engage with me, but it was always on their terms. For example, I was not I was told categorically I was not allowed to attend funerals. You know, that was difficult to hear about things that had happened in the family that you couldn't be a part of anymore. But I was happy with the little bits that they gave me, because for me it was better than nothing.
“I always make the point I was born here in England. England is my home. And what Britain gives you is independence and freedom, and to be recognized as being part of Britain is extremely important to me.”
“And I said it's me, mum. I don't want to marry that man. And she said, You come home and marry who we say, or from this day forward you are dead in our eyes. And I never for one minute anticipated that response. And she was very clear about that. And she told me that I was equal to a prostitute for having running away. I dishonoured the family. She couldn't put her head up any more. People spat at her in the street from our own community. that I had done this to her. And she made me feel as if I had betrayed them and I was the perpetrator and not the victim.”
“The turning point for Karma Navana was Rubina's death. because it was that moment in time that I finally owned that I wasn't the bad guy here, I wasn't the perpetrator, this had been done to me. and in nineteen ninety three Karma Nirvana was born in my front room.”