Alan Carr

Presenter0:01

BBC Sounds, Music, Radio Podcasts. I'm Lauren Laverne, and this is the Desert Island Discs Podcast. Every week, I ask my guests to choose the eight tracks, book, and luxury they'd want to take with them if they were cast away to a desert island. This is an extended version of the original Radio 4 broadcast, and for rights reasons, the music is shorter than the original broadcast. I hope you enjoy listening.

Presenter0:42

My castaway this week is Alan Carr. He's one of the country's best-loved stand-ups, a TV favourite, and his brand of humour is the 21st century version of a traditional British seaside postcard. Sharp, saucy, and gloriously silly. He finds comedy in the ordinary stuff of life and revels in pop culture. So it comes as no surprise that he started his comedy career running a cabaret night in Manchester, though he couldn't have known back then that it would lead to three stadium tours, two books and long-running TV shows like Chatty Man and the Friday Night Project. He wasn't supposed to be a stand-up. Football was the family business. His father and grandfather were both successful players and his dad managed the football team in Northampton where Alan grew up. It became obvious quite early that he wasn't cut out for the beautiful game and though it took a little longer to work out exactly what he was cut out for, he got there in the end. He says, when you're being bullied in school, you dream of turning up at the gates in your fur coat with your chauffeur and everyone saying, we wish we hadn't bullied you, Alan. But everything I hated at school and couldn't wait to change is now my trademark. My voice, my teeth, my glasses. Alan Carr, welcome to Desert Island Discs.

Alan Carr1:50

Ah, thank you.

Presenter1:52

So you've been making audiences laugh for over twenty years now. You've got many strings to your bow, as I mentioned. Award winning stand-up, chat show host and entertainer.

Alan Carr1:57

As I mentioned

Alan Carr2:01

Suppose so.

Presenter2:02

How do the joys of each compare?

Alan Carr2:05

Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. Um when T V's good, I love it. But you'll always know when I'm getting a little bit irritated with T V, I'll do a stand up tour because you can say what you want, you're not edited, you can do what you want to do. I find it so freeing, I absolutely love it. And you know, like T V's another muscle, and stand up is my favorite, because that's what started all of this.

Presenter2:29

Many comics are political. You're avowedly disinterested in politics. Why is that?

Alan Carr2:34

No governments are gonna collapse when you watch an Alan Carr show. It doesn't interest me, which is shocking to say. But um I don't think people want it at the end of the week. Let's just have a couple of hours of fun, a bit of silliness. That's what makes me laugh. And you know what? No comedy routine has ever changed any

Alan Carr2:54

Dictator, they've never brought a dictator down, they've never crushed a government. I mean, I just don't why don't they bother?

Speaker 23:02

Don't I

Alan Carr3:03

Uh Uh

Presenter3:04

Uh

Alan Carr3:04

Why would you bother? Just have some

Presenter3:05

Fabless, have a laugh. You've got an absolutely wicked look on your face. I should tell Alex.

Presenter3:11

Your voice is instantly recognizable. When did you realize that it was unique?

Alan Carr3:16

Oh well I mean I just

Alan Carr3:18

Do you know I had the most awful thing about Twelve, you know, um I did drama and then we said let's watch the play back.

Alan Carr3:27

And I'd been in it, and this thing I saw on the screen.

Alan Carr3:32

I was like, what's that voice? I was basically voguing. Anytime I relaxed, my hand was on my hip like a teapot. My voice soared like a seagull with its wing trapped somewhere. And I was like, no wonder I'm getting bullied. I didn't know I was like that. I didn't know. And I'm smiling now, but my God. It was like a punch in the stomach. Why didn't anyone tell me? And of course, they were telling me. The bullies were telling me every day. And like for a couple of weeks, I thought, Alan, stop being sacamp. I was actually thinking of getting like a suit of armour or something, you know, to put on to stop me mints. And of course, it was like telling the tide to go back. But it was just awful. I was just, I don't want to be like that.

Presenter4:19

How do you feel about it now? I mean, you know, fast forward all these years later, you're often referred to as a camp icon.

Alan Carr4:25

Camp gets a bad name and I really hate that fact. It's a wonderful British tradition, Camp. I mean, Telly's Camp, Strickley's Camp, X Factor's Camp. It's Camp. But, you know, we've got this wonderful tradition, we've got Cecil Beaton, you know, we've got Larry Grayson, you know, you've got all these. And it should be celebrated. People love Camp, it's very British. And I just don't know why it gets a bad rep. But I don't want to be this camp. But I'm like 42 now. I can't be bothered to change. And I'm stuck with this voice. But it is weird, you know, when I do stand up. I'm a bit like Mariah Carey. I have to protect it. Because if I don't reach those high notes, people complain.

Speaker 14:50

Yeah.

Presenter5:11

So the seagull that you were referring to, you've got to be able to get up there.

Alan Carr5:14

Oh yeah, people want to hear that. I did an interview once with um Janet Street Porter, and it was basically like two seagulls fighting over a chip.

Alan Carr5:26

Other snake

Presenter5:28

Now, this is our Christmas episode, Alan. So, I have to ask about Christmas Shakar. What goes on? What's a typical Christmas for you?

Alan Carr5:30

Yeah.

Alan Carr5:35

Well, I either spend it with Paul's family up in Sunderland or I spend it in Northampton with my mum and dad and my brother. But this time it's just me and Paul down on the farm with the dogs. Just a quiet one. I I've got a busy year next year and I just want to relax.

Presenter5:52

Alright, well, let's set the mood with some music. Tell me about your first choice today. Why have you chosen this one?

Alan Carr5:58

Well, it's Sister from Texas, Arifa Franklin. And I've such fond memories of Arifa Franklin because while my dad was away, in a football manager, often on a Saturday, off of the weekend, staying over, on Tuesday, he'd be playing away as well. And then Wednesday, Thursday training. Me and my mum skin in Northampton, but she'd have all these Arifa Franklin Otis Redding songs. And we'd just listen to them. Just me and my mum, just lovely. And with Arifa Franklin, it just irritates me that everyone just plays, say a little prayer or think. I mean, she's got the most amazing back catalogue. Sister from Texas, the lyrics are just so amazing. And it's the B-side to Angel. You don't really hear much of it. And it's like a fortune cookie of a song because it's got little meanings in there that you sort of open it up and you go, oh yeah, I like that. And I just could listen to her voice forever.

Alan Carr6:50

Her sister from Texas.

Alan Carr6:52

Been men in play

Alan Carr6:54

They're too high.

Alan Carr6:58

Don't get yourself up

Alan Carr7:00

Just trying to please

Alan Carr7:02

I'm down with the flag

Speaker 17:05

Here

Speaker 17:08

Go fair.

Speaker 17:10

Here for the moment

Speaker 17:12

Gold forever, here by the mountain

Speaker 17:16

Gone well as suit uses

Presenter7:18

The front takes it

Presenter7:23

Sister from Texas, Aretha Franklin. So Alan Carr, growing up football, very much the family business. Your dad and your grandfather both former players. How successful were they?

Alan Carr7:33

There we go. My dad played in the first division, which would be the premier division now, and then my granddad Wilf played for Westbrom and Newcastle.

Presenter7:42

Okay. And by the time you were little, your your dad was a football manager. I understand that there were some really excellent chants about him.

Alan Carr7:49

He's fat, he's round, his feet don't touch the ground. Graham Carr, Graham Carr. Graham Carr's Clarence White Army. Yeah.

Presenter7:58

Do it.

Alan Carr7:58

Yeah.

Presenter7:59

Hand actions

Alan Carr7:59

Yes, I've still got it. It's all in the wrist.

Presenter7:59

Yes

Alan Carr8:02

But the thing is, I know without getting all maudlin, you'd be there with that and then when they were losing, you'd hear the whole crowd booing your dad. Yeah, that's a good idea. It's a very weird.

Presenter8:11

Yeah, that's very

Presenter8:13

That must have been quite intense.

Alan Carr8:14

Yes, it was. It was a very surreal situation. And then towards the end, when they were sinking down the table, I wouldn't go. And like my dad said, you know, my dad's the least show-busy person going. And he says, Alan, with reviews, don't take the good, don't take the bad, don't take the indifferent. He said, just do what you got to do. And that is probably the only time our lives have like, you know, we've actually had a discussion about our careers and there's something in common. I mean, I, you know, I still, you know, I say to my dad, you know, what was the audience like? Oh, sorry, the crowd. And then, you know, what did you do in the intermission? Oh, sorry, the half-time.

Speaker 18:51

Come on, five.

Alan Carr8:53

And it sounds like I made it up. It's genuine. Being at the county ground and that they were kicking the ball about and then the man did a sliding tackle from behind. And of course you shout man on. Yes. I stood up. He's behind you.

Alan Carr9:12

And I just feel that everyone must be going, That's Graham's son, everyone knowing. And of course I always used to have me aga for Christis with

Presenter9:21

Well, this is it. Like many aspiring young footballers, you are obsessed with Agatha Christie and birdwatching.

Alan Carr9:26

Yes, I've got a pair of binoculars for my thirteenth birthday. Do you know what I did my thirteenth birthday? Went to Pittsford Reservoir'cause there was some Canada geese.

Alan Carr9:35

You know what? My dad was great, really. There's not many people who would take their son to the Farn Islands so I could see the puffins. So he obviously got you. Did he think you were going to be able to get him? Oh, he didn't get me. I mean, he was good like that. But you know what? I didn't know this was going to happen to me. And so I started off in Manchester and he was a figure of fun. My dad says. And everyone went with it. You know, he wasn't. a monster. And I had a really emotional thing with him. And after a few whines, and he loves football and he's still mates with those football. He said, Alan, I wanted you to have friends and I wanted you to do something you loved like I love with football. And that's why I wanted you to be a football. So you've got friends. You've got 10 other guys in the team who will be your mates. He said, I know you've got it now.

Presenter9:46

But you would

Presenter9:47

Yeah, I mean

Alan Carr10:27

And he said, I'm so pleased for you. So that's really sweet. Getting emotional, yeah.

Presenter10:30

Getting emotional, yeah.

Alan Carr10:32

It's really nice.

Presenter10:33

Many young stand ups, they have grown up watching D V D's and videos of their heroes, you know, dreaming of being the next Richard Pryor or Robin Williams. Were you one of those kids, I wonder?

Alan Carr10:43

No, and that that's my least favorite thing to do watching Stander. I don't like it. Not because I'm thinking, Oh, give me that microphone, I'll do it. I don't like going to see it, and when I'm on a bill, I will just turn up, do my stuff and go. I'm not a comedian's comedian, that's it, you know.

Presenter10:59

Oh really?

Alan Carr10:59

I like to call it being aloof, but actually I can't be bothered. I don't want to sit through it. Maybe I if I did, I'd probably be a bit better at my stand up, but I don't know whether it's'cause I've done seven years in a call center, maybe people talking. You know, I c I struggle on the phone. I do have a flashback.

Presenter11:15

Let's go with the music right now. Tell me about your second disc today. Why have you chosen this one?

Alan Carr11:19

Well, I gotta have a bit of disco. Um Donna Summer last dance. Disco for me, I just loved it and I was the one um buying the flares from the uh charity shops and I just used to listen to disco. It was my release. This song just reminds me of dancing in my room and I remember my mum telling me, you know, your dad's downstairs, I can hear this music and she says, I know you're dancing'cause I can hear your flares flapping about.

Alan Carr11:47

So while I was being all subtle with the music crowd, of course the nearest thing to the floor is

Speaker 211:56

That dance for love.

Speaker 212:01

Yes, it's my last day.

Alan Carr12:04

Romance tonight

Alan Carr12:08

Oh, I need you.

Speaker 112:11

Uh Um

Alan Carr12:12

Uh

Speaker 112:12

Uh

Alan Carr12:13

It's like me, you got me.

Speaker 112:16

Uh

Alan Carr12:16

Uh

Alan Carr12:17

Hold me.

Alan Carr12:19

Call me, cause when I'm in a close.

Presenter12:32

Donna Summer and Last Dance. Alan Carr, take us back to school then. How did you get on there?

Alan Carr12:38

Um, school was good and people always say, What's your childhood like? And of course with me your childhood is zero, isn't it? To about fourteen, fifteen and like one till nine, great.

Alan Carr12:50

buzzing along, loads of friends, class clown mucking about, and then of course you start fancying people, you know, well, I don't fancy girls, and then very introspective from nine till about thirteen, fourteen, and then you sort of come out your shell again, and puberty like hits you, knocks you over,

Presenter13:09

Yeah.

Alan Carr13:09

Some of that is your happy childhood with my family, but then a bit of bullying, but then, you know, not what people go through nowadays.

Presenter13:16

So what was the the bullying like? How extensive was that and how it was?

Alan Carr13:18

Oh, it w it w it was just um psychological really. But you know what? I'm not justifying bullying, but I'm sure I must have been annoying. I mean

Alan Carr13:30

I know you're not meant to, but you know, I probably was a bit loud, and not that you should be bullied, but I mean.

Alan Carr13:35

But then do you know what? I was never really a victim because I always thought they were losers. And I had my friend Jenny. You know, we were never like, why are you doing this? Where did that come from?

Presenter13:44

Where did that come from then, that inner reserve of self-confidence?

Alan Carr13:47

I think it's'cause I couldn't change. You know, I tried. My default pose is teapot. That is it.

Alan Carr13:57

You did a bit of acting at sc

Presenter13:58

School, I think. Can you remember your first role?

Alan Carr13:58

Can you remember your f

Alan Carr14:00

Oh, I was Squealer in Animal Farm. And then later on, the worst bit of casting ever was Edward Bond saved.

Presenter14:08

That's a very controversial piece, I believe.

Alan Carr14:10

Yes, I was Len, and there's a really horrific bit where I begrudge getting the woman pregnant. I mean, this sex scene, well, I mean, you should have seen it. How did it go? Oh, swimmingly. I mean, I've had more laughs doing that than when I've done the actual comedy action. I mean, people hear people giggling. But why cast me as that? But then at the Northampton Royal Theatre, I was bottom. And that was perfect for me. And that's when I got a write-up in the Chronicle and Echo. And that's when I had a little bit of, oh, I like this. And someone spotted me in town. And I was like, oh, yeah, I could get used to this. Comedy roles are Thrive Done. You know, that was a little bit of a release for me.

Presenter14:54

A release from from what? From Daily?

Alan Carr14:56

Just a bit of fantasy I mean, my mum just roll her eye. I mean, I was like just lived in a fantasy world, me, really, to be honest. Yeah, I'm I'm I'm a probably a bit of a Walter Mitty character, to be honest. I'm always making stuff up.

Presenter15:08

Did you feel lonely?

Alan Carr15:12

One till nine I didn't feel lonely, I had loads of friends and then

Alan Carr15:16

Then it was very lonely and the anyone who tell you about being bullied it's the breaks and the dinner, that's the hardest bit. And I remember there's this walk you did and I knew it took exactly an hour and I just walked, sat on the swings, had me sandwiches and then walked back.

Speaker 115:23

Hmm.

Speaker 115:25

Mm-hmm.

Alan Carr15:32

Yeah, but that was just a few years. I mean, I was not Alan's ashes. I don't want people like weeping as they're listening to this. It was just a few years, which when puberty hits, which everyone goes through. I mean, kids today, they go through hell and the bullying doesn't just finish. It's all online now. I mean, there's kids going into school with knives and whatchamacallit. I mean, in Northampton, I remember when Haley brought a gerbil in. Do you know what I mean? That just sums it up. That was, oh, Hayley's got a gerbil. So, in a way, me going all moaning, it's nothing what kids are up to these days.

Presenter16:08

And heading back to your teenage bedroom, I think the next artist that we're going to hear is someone who might have been on the wall.

Alan Carr16:14

Definitely. And this is Prince and I love Prince. And I bought all his albums, even the rubbish ones. And Adale knows I'm a big fan of Prince. And she invited me to see him do a sound check at Ronnie Scott's.

Presenter16:32

What was it like?

Alan Carr16:33

Ah, I didn't go'cause I had a gigging crew.

Alan Carr16:40

And then of course he died in 2016 and I just burst into tears. Now I have two heroes, Victoria Wood and Prince, and they both died one day within each other. And I'd never met either of them and I was just in bits. I was in bits. I was like everyone on Christmas Day with George Michael. It was that 2016. What an awful year that was. Starting with Bowie Dune. So Prince, huge fan. I remember my dad coming in and looking up. I've got the love sexy poster on the wall, you know, with him naked and the orchid. And then I remember watching that Thieves in the Temple one, and my mum said, don't let your father see that, because that's the one where he's wearing suspenders.

Alan Carr17:20

Why don't you listen to any men singing?'Cause I always have Janet Jackson and Madonna on. Who's that man wearing stilettos? Oh, that's Prince. I'm a big fan.

Alan Carr17:31

Poor father, me poor father. But this is from one of my favourite albums, Sign of the Times. I got to see him at a very intimate gig at Coco and it was just all killer, no filler. It was wonderful. And I'd love to show you some photos, but he had this army of people with sticks.

Speaker 117:33

But this is

Alan Carr17:53

Camera, you basically got hit with a cane. So I've got no photos of it, but it's all in my head. And you know what? Sometimes that's a bit better, and it's magical. And this is If I Was Your Girlfriend.

Alan Carr18:10

Would you remember?

Alan Carr18:13

Tell me all the things you forgot when I was your man

Alan Carr18:18

Hey, hey.

Speaker 118:19

Yeah.

Presenter18:19

Yeah.

Alan Carr18:20

Yeah.

Speaker 118:20

Yeah.

Presenter18:20

That was your best

Presenter18:25

What was your best friend?

Presenter18:28

Would you let me?

Presenter18:30

Take care you

Presenter18:33

Do all the things that only a best friend can

Presenter18:38

Oh no.

Speaker 118:40

Only best friends care

Alan Carr18:46

If I was your girlfriend by Prince. Can I just add something? Please do. When I was touring New Zealand, the woman who drove me round also drove Prince around, and I said, Oh, my lord, tell me what was he like? She said he spent the whole time under a sheet, but he was very polite.

Presenter19:05

There's a lesson in there somewhere about how to conduct yourself and showbiz.

Alan Carr19:06

Yeah.

Speaker 119:08

Uh

Alan Carr19:09

Yeah.

Presenter19:10

So, Alan, on leaving school, you came to London and went to Middlesex University where you read drama and theatre studies rather than acting. How did you get on?

Alan Carr19:19

Well, I'd no range, so I couldn't do acting. And so it wasn't the best course for me. It was a lot of moving things around in blackbody stockings, painting sets, which really wasn't me. But there was a stand-up comedy module, and I put my name down for it. And you had to do a ten-minute stand-up set and perform it in a pub in front of regulars while your tutor stood at the back and marked you. So I wrote this set, and it went so well. And it was just and then that it planted a seed. Then I went, Oh my god, I'm so good at this. And I did it the next night, same set, died a death, and said I'm never doing it again. And then I didn't do it.

Speaker 119:32

Uh

Presenter20:06

So you didn't do it for you went back to it later as we as we will come back to it.

Alan Carr20:08

When I got death, when I was the singing detective with a headset on.

Presenter20:16

You've written about your time at uni, that for the first year you pretended not to be gay.

Alan Carr20:20

Oh, I know. Well, I mean, that's sort typical me doing it the wrong way round, isn't it? People go to

Alan Carr20:27

London then come out, don't they?

Presenter20:28

Mm-hmm.

Alan Carr20:29

I just thought, oh my dear, I just don't want to be so easily read. That's the problem. I don't want to be easily read. I don't want people. I want I'd love to have a bit of mystery about me. But I just mystery just eludes me. But me, and then people are going later on, like in year two and three, oh, do you remember when you pretended you were straight? But people don't realise what it's like. Northampton, straight into London. Oh my God, this amazing city. It was too much to take. I don't know why I did it at the minute. It was a bit of a safety net.

Presenter21:00

And what about your career aspirations at the time? Did you think that th this course was going to be your way in?

Alan Carr21:06

I thought so. I mean, you do, don't you? Or you wouldn't go on it. You just sort of think, Oh, this is it, you know, next stop Hollywood. But then you know what? Now I do me stand up. I couldn't be in a play or anything. To say the same lines every night. I mean, you do with stand up, you have your set gags. But sometimes you want to come and you want to mention the woman's jumper, or did you see Theresa May dancing? You want to do that. You can't do that in Hamlet. People complain.

Alan Carr21:34

Can you imagine?

Presenter21:37

So tell me about the the first gigs that you did, nineteen ninety seven. You're doing this comedy stand up module and I think the show itself was downstairs at the King's Head, which is it's a little pub in London's Crouch End, but it's quite well known on the comedy circuit.

Alan Carr21:45

Which is Ah

Alan Carr21:47

It's crowd chant.

Alan Carr21:49

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was quite a comedy literate audience in there. I mean, don't get me wrong, you got as many of your mates in as possible. There was a lot of ha ha you know, but it's still terrifying. Were you scared? Terrified.

Speaker 221:59

Yeah.

Alan Carr22:04

Terrified. Couldn't eat. Nerves. People being sick. Horrible. Horrible. But the buzz was something else. But then the next week, actually not the next day, in Camden, they just stared at me and I just felt awful. I felt awful. I felt the unfunniest, the worst ever. The complete opposite of what I'd had the week before. And I'm never doing this again. And I didn't for like three, three years.

Presenter22:35

So you experience the the truncated version of a stand-up's highs and lows within your first week.

Alan Carr22:37

The standard

Alan Carr22:39

Yes. And the thing is you don't get paid for stand-up the first few years. So I was doing the call center and then I'd a lovely uh supervisor called Jude who'd let me go a little bit early if I had like a gig like in Sheffield or something and she'd let me go. So I was doing you know this most boring job in the day and then having these flights of fancy at night. It was really nice.

Presenter23:01

Let's go to the music. Tell me about your fourth disc today.

Alan Carr23:04

Right, well I'm not a huge fan of this.

Alan Carr23:07

What? No, it's uh it's John Cicada Just Another Date. Now it's nice enough, but when I worked in a factory packing shampoo, this song was on all the time.

Alan Carr23:20

You know, mental health. I got into a bit of trouble when I was working there. There's this advert in Northampton called Dun.

Alan Carr23:30

The Leather Warehouse. And I heard it so many times. Whenever I heard a loud bang, I had to go The Leather Warehouse. And I had that for like a whole summer. And so this is a bit like Just Another Day. I mean, anything, like my dad would slam a car door, my nan would fall down the stairs. I'd be like, The Leather Warehouse. So I think it did affect me. But this song, Never Met John Cicada, I'm sure it's lovely, Just Another Day. But this always reminds me of with my tape gun making up some boxes for shampoo.

Speaker 123:49

The star has

Presenter24:06

It's a pristine window, let's step through.

Alan Carr24:20

I don't wanna buy the love.

Alan Carr24:25

Make a

Speaker 224:26

Without you

Alan Carr24:32

I, I, I can't resist.

Alan Carr24:38

Tryna find exactly what I missed

Alan Carr24:43

It's just another day without

Presenter24:52

Just Another Day by John Sicada, taking you back, Alan Carr, to, well, working in a bit of a dead end job. And so you graduated from university with a 2-1, but you then went back to Northampton and started working in a paint spraying factory. Why not?

Speaker 124:59

Oh yep.

Presenter25:07

Pursue acting or comedy.

Alan Carr25:08

Well, I mean, the rents were so high, and I'd no prospects. I mean, I just spent like mucking around, really. I hadn't really pushed myself. So, yeah, I went back there, and of course, it's funny though, when you go back to these jobs, because when you're temping and you know you've got uni to go back to, you're a bit like, oh my god, look at these people working in this job. And then, of course, you go back there, it's your job. Now you're having in jokes about the boss. You know, I became that person. So, yeah, and then I mean, I think of health and safety, this paint spraying factory. I had to wipe the grease off gearboxes before they were sprayed. I didn't have a mask, I didn't have any steel toe-cap boots. And I mean, the people there, I remember Alan, don't be camp, don't be camp, don't be camp. On the first day, I get the countdown conundrum.

Alan Carr26:00

I'm not individualism. Because they're looking round. Oh, damn. They know. So you didn't fit in? I didn't fit in. It was hell. What am I supposed to do? It was just, I just wasn't really me. I look now at my life and I just go, oh, I'm just so blessed. You can't believe. Oh, you know, you work hard. I mean, I just, I have a fear that I will go back there. That's what keeps me going.

Alan Carr26:27

Honestly.

Presenter26:28

After that you went traveling and and you spent a year going around Mexico, Australia and Thailand. And then when you came back to the UK, moved to Manchester. That was when the move to Manchester happened. And there you were working in a call centre.

Alan Carr26:32

Here in Thailand.

Speaker 126:37

The Moon Manchester

Presenter26:42

And it was working at the call center that you had that moment where you decided to give Stand Up another try.

Alan Carr26:44

You have that.

Alan Carr26:47

I only did stand up because I was in a call centre for a bank and I was probably a bit depressed. I know that everyone says they're depressed, but I feel my psoriasis had come back. I was sitting there with this headset on and I looked like the singing detective. I was flaking everywhere. And I was, is this my life? And I was telling people about call center. Remember, this is like 1999, 2000. It was a new thing. And I was telling people and they were laughing about it. And then my friend said there was a local pub that buzz up in Cheltenham and they put me down and said, we do 10 minutes. I got a standing ovation. So I was doing the call centre and then I had a lovely supervisor called Jude who'd let me go a little bit early if I had like a gig like in Sheffield or something and she'd let me go. So I was doing this most boring job in the day and then having these flights of fancy at night. It was really nice.

Presenter27:41

What was the comedy scene like in Manchester at the time? Because this would have been the early noughties, and it felt like a real kind of flowering was happening in the city.

Alan Carr27:48

For the first time in my life, I was in the right place at the right time. The Manchester comedy store opened, we were all starting out. I mean, and then we would all get in the car and we'd go for a hundred quid and do Sheffield leads. One time I was in a car, me, Jason Manford, John Bishop, just going across Snake Pass to Sheffield. You know, ten people in the audience. I'm afraid we can't give you the money, John Ador split. You know, Peter Kay was above everyone there, as he always is. Johnny Vegas, Carolina Hearn, Steve Coogan would turn up and do bits, that kind of vibe. There was an energy.

Speaker 128:11

Shepherd.

Alan Carr28:32

It was lovely. I mean, obviously it's so lovely seeing everyone doing well.

Presenter28:36

There's quite a big conversation going on at the minute about LGBT representation in stand-up. I mean, particularly after the success of Australian comic Hannah Gadsby and her show Nanette, which has been hugely successful, and it's all about her experiences as a gay stand-up. I wonder how people and audiences react to you. Did you ever experience that homophobia? Well, that, yeah.

Alan Carr28:41

Yeah.

Alan Carr28:45

Her show Nanette.

Speaker 128:48

And it's all about

Alan Carr28:53

Do you have a speaker with that?

Alan Carr28:55

But yeah, I mean that people see my career now always and I know and this is my problem because people go, oh Alan, Middle England's favourite gay, you know, like that. But I don't get what I'm supposed to be. And you know what? People say, oh, I'm representing gays on the telly. I'm like, but telly is a fantasy world. It's Alice in Wonderland. And I say to them, is David Walliam, Simon Cowan, Piers Morgan the perfect example of heterosexuality? No, because it's just, it's the outcasts get drawn to telly. We find it at home here because it's fantasy and it's silly. It's the kind of business where people who can't sing have number one records. People who can't act end up in hit movies. Some of the biggest, nastiest people become national treasures. It's not real. It's bonkers. And of course I don't represent gays. I represent myself. And I've never said I was. I mean, when I grew up, it was I am what I am, not you're not who we want you to be. I mean it's changed all of a sudden.

Presenter30:04

Yeah.

Alan Carr30:05

And I feel like sometimes I get the blame for that, but you know, it's not an act, this is me, and so maybe that's why I find it a little bit hurtful. Oh, look at him, Middle England's gay. It's not an act, I'm not straight, this is me. I'm sorry you don't like me, but it's good enough for me.

Presenter30:21

Time for some music. Tell me about your fifth disc today.

Alan Carr30:23

Oh, Excuse me by Shirley Bassey. Like I said, I do not want to be a stereotype. Um I I love Shirley Bassey. And actually, um I was having dinner with Shirley Bassey and Julian MacDonald.

Alan Carr30:38

And I said to her, I said, Oh, I'm doing you for Desert Island Dis. I said, Have you done it, Shirley? Twice!

Alan Carr30:46

Rise! I said, okay, Shirley, you always have to go one better. But I love her, and I love this song, and it's just so intense, and I just love it.

Speaker 130:55

Yeah.

Speaker 130:57

Excuse me?

Speaker 131:00

I can't seem to find the door.

Speaker 131:05

And my feet don't find the floor.

Speaker 131:10

For my legs are long and weak.

Speaker 131:15

And my throat's too dry to speak.

Alan Carr31:17

Uh

Speaker 131:20

But my heart wants to discreet

Speaker 131:27

Not a dream!

Speaker 231:31

Uh

Alan Carr31:31

You know

Presenter31:34

Shirley Bassey and excuse me I need a lot

Alan Carr31:36

I need to lie down after that. Have you seen it on YouTube where she's singing that live?

Presenter31:42

The drama Unbelievable.

Alan Carr31:44

When I did the Royal Variety performance, it was in Cardiff, and I got up on the same bill as Shirley Bassie and Cliff Richard, and they uh we all had to come on at the end and wave our arms, and Shirley was to come through the floor at the end. And so we're there, and then I can see that the trap door's not coming up.

Alan Carr32:03

And I can hear her going, gesticulating, Get it

Speaker 232:06

It up!

Alan Carr32:07

Get it up! And then she's just about to swear, and then it pings up.

Speaker 232:11

Because music is my first love

Alan Carr32:16

And I mean, I'm just waving my arms like a tree in the breeze, as I was told to do.

Alan Carr32:22

What a pro. She's great, isn't she? I love her. And she's a lot of fun. And weirdly enough, at that Royal Variety, I saw a documentary on it. And one time they caught on camera was the Queen laughing at my Tesco Club card joke. A, she finds something I said funny. That's bucket list, tick. She knows what a Tesco Club card is.

Presenter32:43

Let's go back to two thousand five. That's the year that you were unexpectedly invited to be Jonathan Ross's warm-up man. What was it like working on that show?

Alan Carr32:51

Oh, that was amazing. Absolutely amazing. Still doing me uh me gigs all over the North West and then every Thursday I would drive down down the M six and I'd stay in the the dressing room and you I'd have to warm up and just ten minutes or fifteen minutes if Jonathan needed to use the Loo or something like that. And so the first first time Paul Newman was there. Jane Fonder, Brad Pitt, Bowie.

Alan Carr33:19

Madonna

Presenter33:20

I mean, an incredible castlist, but also you get the chance to see those people backstage. What was that?

Alan Carr33:25

I know, it's just amazing. I mean, and then a lot of them would do extra gig. I mean, I know Cold Play and you two said you want some more. And then we all just sat there. And Demo Holly Hunter, the actor of the piano, I mean, she was a guest and she sat right next to me. She went, well, we've got the best seats in the house. Just sat there watching them. And Jonathan was absolutely lovely. So supportive. And it was lovely another one of those things that happens again when he was a guest on Chatty Man, Jonathan Ross, a guest on my chat show. Proper pinching myself, I thought. Life's funny, isn't it?

Speaker 133:35

The act of

Presenter33:58

It is and and it sounds like the Friday Night Project came about pretty quickly because I think that was just the following year after you'd started doing those stand-up shows, like two thousand and five.

Alan Carr34:07

2006 in January, and they said, You want to do it? And I sort of said, Yeah, fantastic. Look.

Presenter34:15

What's the mental montage that you have if I say early days of the Friday Night Project? I mean the costumes, the sketches, the guests, there was a lot going on with this.

Alan Carr34:25

There was a lot going on and can you imagine that moving down to London, me and Justin in this show? I mean, I've never been trendy, but it was quite a trendy, cool show. You got Rihanna, Kanye West, Mariah, Lady Gaga, her first ever performance there. Amy Winehouse. Amy Winehouse is the house band.

Alan Carr34:48

Insane, insane. Then we got invited to go to the Q Awards. Paul McCartney gave me the thumbs up. Love the show. I'm like, what?

Presenter34:56

What? Can we talk about this? Halcyon days, and some of them very surreal. It was around this time that I know you worked with someone who you've said is your favorite ever T V partner, and that is Lionel Blair.

Alan Carr35:06

Yeah.

Alan Carr35:09

Oh, and people

Presenter35:09

And you bonded one unforgettable night at the end of Blackpool Pier. What happened?

Alan Carr35:13

Yeah.

Presenter35:14

And

Alan Carr35:15

Do you know, this is such a weird thing. We did this show, this awful show, that never made the light of day, but that's what pilots are for. And so we're sitting there having a rose at the end of the pier. And this man runs in, Help, help, there's someone hanging off the end of the pier. He wants to kill himself. Can you help to me and Lionel?

Alan Carr35:37

So we get that this man has taken his clothes off, he's hanging, I wanna die, I wanna die He's hanging off at the end of the pier. Lionel goes, honestly claps, But I'm Lionel Blair.

Alan Carr35:48

And the man's face. And I'm Alan Carr, I said.

Alan Carr35:54

And I think while he was baffled, I think we just grabbed him and pulled him off.

Presenter35:58

You had that moment.

Alan Carr35:58

But that's

Presenter35:58

But where you shocked him.

Alan Carr36:00

Yes And honest to God, this is on my family's life, this is true. And he was just then the police were called. We didn't get a reward or anything. It was just the weirdest thing ever. But I love Lionel. I love him.

Presenter36:14

Tell me about your sixth disc today, Alan Carl.

Alan Carr36:17

Oh, this is Adele and it's one that she doesn't really sing much, and I just love it on the first album. Melt My Heart to Stone. Right under my feet is air made of bricks.

Alan Carr36:33

Pulls me down and turns me weak for you I find myself repeating like a broken tune And I'm forever excusing your intentions Then I give in to my pretending

Alan Carr36:55

Wish forgive you

Alan Carr37:02

They melt my heart to stone.

Presenter37:05

Melt My Heart to Stone by Adele. Who, Alan Carr, organized your wedding? That must have been another pinch yourself moment.

Alan Carr37:12

Oh, I know, I know. And she, um

Alan Carr37:15

She got ordained as well and married us in her back garden, which was really lovely. And yeah, I can genuinely say the best day of my life. The best day. She organised it all and paid for it. And I just said to her, How can I repay you? Ah, forget about that. I said, give me your account. I want to put some no! Martery. She's one of those people that I think has been put on this earth to make people feel a certain way. And she is just a wonderful, generous, beautiful person, and she deserves all the success she gets.

Presenter37:59

And this is your wedding to your husband Paul, who you met a decade ago, at a time when I think you'd resigned yourself or were quite comfortable with actually, the idea that you you know, you were going to be single and that that was how things were.

Alan Carr38:09

Yeah, yeah, and then I went to my friend's birthday and I thought I bought a nice pair of trousers'cause I was doing well and a nice top and then I had a cup of tea for my night and had to spilt it down me. I was like, oh no, gotta get changed. So I quickly put these grey trousers on, this blue V-neck things, blue thing underneath. And my outfit, what I'm wearing, is identical to the Tesco outfit. It looks like if only

Presenter38:35

And you knew that one well'cause you'd you know.

Alan Carr38:36

I know, I've worked at Tesco, so it was like...

Presenter38:37

Protect.

Presenter38:38

Um

Alan Carr38:39

So I was like, Oh, no, I've been there. All I needed was a name badge saying, you know, you're on a hand packing and I would have looked spot on. So they go there, oh my God, I look minging yet again and then this man walks in and I fall in love with him. And yeah, here we are still going.

Presenter38:54

What does having a partner and someone to share your life with mean to you?

Alan Carr38:58

Me too. It's amazing. You know, like I said, every day I thank my lucky stars for this life and it's so nice to share it. Got the same sense of humour and we're soulmates.

Presenter39:09

You've said that all of the things that you hated about yourself when you were growing up have now become part of your trademark. And you've looked back at your life and written about your life. And obviously, we're sitting here today talking about your life. What's that experience of reflection and reflecting back like for you?

Alan Carr39:15

Yeah.

Alan Carr39:26

Yeah, I mean it it I just can't uh

Alan Carr39:30

Yeah, it's it's yeah, it's an out-of-body experience, really. And I'm I'm I know people say, but I do pinch myself.

Alan Carr39:38

You know, self-esteem. I d I do.

Alan Carr39:43

Sometimes, you know, and do I deserve it? I don't know if I do. I do have these moments like that. I think that's a self esteem thing. But uh I'm pleased it's been given to me and I try and do my best with it, I think.

Presenter39:56

And how do you deal with it when you do feel like that?

Presenter39:58

Who's with who's there to

Alan Carr39:59

Who's there to Paul's great like that? But I mean, I think everyone has this

Presenter40:00

Who's great?

Alan Carr40:05

You feel a fraud, you know. There's funnier people out there, there's better interviewers, but I've been sort of given it. So, you do, you know, there's a little bit of guilt in there, but I mean, that's healthy because you just become a monster, otherwise, you've got to have that. Why me? Why have I been given this? And I never take it for granted. I always, you know, because you know, the stars and I go, I loved your book. Did you read it? I always read the book, I always see them, I always listen to the album, even if it's rubbish. I still, but you have to because you've chosen to come on my show. So, you know, I do, I make it work, and maybe a bit of that 60% talent, 40% hard work. And I will make this, try and make this the best interview I can. I don't want it to go, I don't want it to end.

Presenter40:49

And how do you deal with it when things aren't going so well? You you mentioned your dad kind of giving you some advice about taking all reviews, things you saw. What about the criticism that inevitably comes with success?

Alan Carr40:56

Yeah, so what

Alan Carr41:00

Yeah, I mean, you know, listen, we're in the public eye, we should get it, but you know what? You just whiz through a wormhole back to the playground, you're back there. It's weird, isn't it? Yeah, it's a bit like being on one of those retractable dog leads. Do you know what I mean? You sort of whizz it along, then whoops, I'm back there. Oh, and it shouldn't be like that, but it is. And it's the job, isn't it? I mean, you know, not everyone can like you, do you know what I mean? But it still hurts. I'm not going to say it doesn't, but you know, everyone gets criticism. You just got to put up with it.

Presenter41:35

Let's go with the music. Tell me about your seventh disc today. Why have you chosen this one?

Alan Carr41:39

Um Roberta Flack, do what you gotta do. Me and my partner had a bit of a tough time last year and the beginning of this year. He went to a treatment centre for alcohol for six weeks and it was such a weird experience. He's my soulmate for ten years. He's gone and I was there by myself feeling very low.

Alan Carr42:07

Anger with drink, lot of motions flying around, and then I heard this on a playlist and I listened to it. But you know what? Do what you gotta do.

Alan Carr42:16

Do it for yourself and I just found myself humming it and the lyrics.

Alan Carr42:22

Yeah, and it it just came to me at the right point and just listen to her singing this. I mean, there's one of my favourite things, drinking red wine and crying. So it's one of those songs, you know, Roberta Flack, do what you gotta do.

Speaker 142:39

Who watch you got

Speaker 142:42

Joe

Speaker 142:44

My

Speaker 142:47

How sweet love

Speaker 142:51

Though it may be that I'll never kiss those sweetheads again.

Speaker 143:02

Pay that no

Speaker 143:07

Find that baffled dream of yours. Come on back and see me when you can.

Speaker 143:16

Uh

Presenter43:17

Roberta Flack and do what you gotta do. Alan Carr, you have written that you make a point of turning grim experiences into stand-up gold, whether it's getting psoriasis or witnessing a mugging. How soon into something a bit rubbish do you think, oh well, it'll be good for the show?

Alan Carr43:35

Yeah, I mean, I'm touring next year, so I mean, any tragedy I'll take now. I haven't got time to get a closure. I need the jokes now. I mean, I'm pretty good at it. You know, it's that old saying, isn't it? Comedy's tragedy plus time is so we were burgled two weeks ago. That's already now putting it into meak now. It's percolating. Yes, yes, it's percolated. That's it.

Presenter43:55

It's percolating.

Presenter43:59

Uh

Alan Carr43:59

Uh

Presenter43:59

And when it comes to tragedy plus timing, looking back at young you or younger you, is there any advice that you would like to give yourself?

Alan Carr44:06

Like to give yourself why was you worrying all the time? Because things happen.

Alan Carr44:12

And if you are being bullied at school, you know, don't do anything rash. Look at me, you know, even if you're not a fan. It will be all right. It will, I promise you.

Presenter44:23

And look into the future, having been in the business of comedy and entertainment for 20 years now, what do you hope for next? Well, you don't look old enough, but what do you hope for next?

Alan Carr44:31

What do you hope for next? Just to keep working. Because like I said, there's always someone, camper younger with bigger teeth, coming round the corner. And I'm not going back to that call centre. And I tell you that now, I will fight. I'll be like one of those cats in Greece.

Alan Carr44:48

There's no way I'm giving this up without a fight.

Presenter44:54

Uh

Alan Carr44:54

And what about Christmas? What would you like for Christmas? Well, Paul has a farm, so we're getting some pigs. Pigs? Yes. How many? Just a couple of pigs. We we got some cows. Well, bulls. I'm a city boy. He likes the farm, so I don't really technically know. So I can't eat beef now'cause of the cow. I mean bullshit.

Presenter45:13

Become emotionally attached to the bulls.

Alan Carr45:14

But they're like dogs. They follow me round the field. They are adorable.

Presenter45:17

Have they got names?

Alan Carr45:18

Yes, uh Bully, Gulliver and Cyril. Cyril's a cute little black one.

Presenter45:25

Let's have some more music. What's your eighth disc today and why have you chosen it?

Alan Carr45:28

I love this woman's voice. I love the material she chooses. She's such a witty singer. It's Peggy Lee. Is that all there is?

Alan Carr45:42

If that's other is my friends, Then let's keep dancing

Alan Carr45:51

Let's break up a booze and...

Alan Carr45:56

I'm a boy.

Alan Carr46:01

If that's all.

Alan Carr46:06

Yeah.

Presenter46:06

There is

Presenter46:10

Peggy Lee, is that all there is? Alan Carr, I'm about to cast you away to our desert island. What do you think will be the biggest challenge that you'll face there?

Alan Carr46:19

Oh

Alan Carr46:20

I don't know, because I've got no friends, have I?

Presenter46:23

No, you're on your own.

Alan Carr46:23

You're not. Who can I like lie to?

Presenter46:31

There might be a friendly seagull. Yeah, yeah.

Alan Carr46:33

Oh, I'll have to pretend it's Janet Street Porter.

Presenter46:33

Yeah.

Alan Carr46:36

We could relive our interview again.

Presenter46:39

You can do a bit of reading, though. I'm going to send you away with the Bible and the complete works of Shakespeare. You can choose another book of your own. What would you like to take with you?

Alan Carr46:40

Do you have

Alan Carr46:42

And the complete

Alan Carr46:43

I couldn't ch

Alan Carr46:46

Well, I'm not making fun of the show by saying this, but can I have an Argos catalogue? Because I know you're meant to just have a book, but if you take the one book, you're going to get bored. And at least there's pictures and you can sort of go, oh, if I had that soda stream or washing machine or leaf blower, I feel like it'd help me more. And just flicking through, I want that, that, that. And also because it's Christmas, it'll be bumper as well.

Presenter47:12

You can also have a luxury item, something that will soften the blow of being cast away. What would you like?

Alan Carr47:17

Oh well this isn't really a luxury item but I do need it. It's a foam roller because years of mincing has done my hipping. So I have to have physiotherapy and roll on a noodle. So it's actually agony but if I don't use it I will have a limp. My job I will have a limp. I'm only there by myself. Who cares?

Speaker 147:35

Mm.

Presenter47:36

I'm a level.

Presenter47:39

The fallib Yeah.

Presenter47:40

So the noodle can be yours. Finally, which of the eight discs would you rush to save from the waves?

Alan Carr47:46

I think sister from Texas, Arifa Franklin, because it's got such a positive message, here for the moment, gone forever, said the sister from Texas. And I think that's something that you need to keep in your mind all the time.

Presenter47:58

Alan Carr, thank you so much for letting us hear your Desert Island discs.

Alan Carr48:01

Thank you.

Presenter48:12

As we leave Alan on his foam roller marking up his Christmas catalogue, there's just time for me to remind you that there's a whole range of fabulous comedians in our back catalogue. Among them, Sandy Toxvig, Sibyl Connolly, Victoria Wood, Seleni Henry, Sarah Millikan and Ricky Gervais. And you can hear all those and many more programmes via the Desert Island Disc's website.

Presenter48:33

Allen recalled his early days of stand up in Manchester and sharing a bill with John Bishop. Kirstie cast John away in 2012, when there was more talk about teeth.

Presenter48:44

Simple minds and don't you forget about me. When was that from?

Alan Carr48:46

From John Bishop, can you d can you date that record? Is that

Speaker 148:49

What's that I say 1985?

Alan Carr48:50

How would you have looked in nineteen eighty five?

Speaker 148:53

Oh, magnificent.

Alan Carr48:56

What would you been wearing?

Speaker 148:57

Er, I would have had short hair'cause I always had short hair and I would have been wearing track suits. At that point, uh, I was playing semi pro football for run corner and we used to get track suits given to us, so it was cheaper to wear free clothes than go and buy them.

Alan Carr49:11

You've sort of got the look of a footballer about you and you've also

Speaker 149:14

I've got Shoba's teeth. Are they your teeth? They are my teeth, yeah. You never had anything done to them? No, the only thing I've had done to my teeth, and it's quite a big thing to admit, I suppose, is I got them whitened because my teeth probably occupy 30% of my head. You know, I've got one of those faces that when I laugh or smile, all you can see is my teeth. So when I first started doing little bits on television, because everyone else on television's got their teeth whitened, it looked like I just woke up on a bench. I just so I just had them whitened, but I've never had any structural stuff done to

Alan Carr49:18

Yeah, but

Alan Carr49:48

Um one of the the perks of being a a successful T V star, of course, is that there are many

Speaker 149:52

Many I feel really awkward when you say that. That's just not how I see myself.

Alan Carr49:58

Yeah.

Presenter49:58

Doesn't feel like you.

Speaker 150:00

No, it doesn't. I regard myself as a stand-up comedian who's lucky enough to add for go on a few other things.

Presenter50:03

Uh

Alan Carr50:03

Before

Presenter50:03

Uh

Alan Carr50:06

Okay. I was th where I was going with that was though, of course, the willing and attractive female fans. You must get plenty of offers these days.

Speaker 150:17

Let's get back to the T V Star.

Speaker 150:20

Um it's quite interesting because it's come at the wrong time in my life, you know what I mean? I'm in my mid-forties, I've got teenage kids. Uh there's no way that I'm gonna be caught in a jacuzzi with some girls that are the only way is Essex, you know, and I'm lucky enough to be in the second marriage with the only person I've ever really been in love with.

Alan Carr50:41

I saw a photograph of your wife's very attractive and I I saw a photograph of you at Downing Street with with the Prime Minister and I think David Williams was there with his wife as well.

Speaker 150:49

Um

Alan Carr50:50

Um, do you allow yourself, as you're walking up Downing Street with Melanie and you've been given the security clearance and the door's about to be open, to just sort of look at each other and say, Who would have thought?

Speaker 151:00

Oh, we do that a lot. We're very much looking at this thinking, This is ace and we're lucky, but it didn't happen by accident. We've worked hard to stay as a family and that's the most important thing.

Alan Carr51:01

B.

Presenter51:12

The marvellous John Bishop. Next time on Desert Island Discs, you'll be able to hear the veteran journalist Hella Pick, and in the new year, on January the 6th, our first castaway for 2019 will be the artist Jeremy Della. In the meantime, have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

Alan Carr51:39

It started with a plane crash.

Alan Carr51:42

My Father and Mayflower.

Alan Carr51:44

A global conspiracy involving medical experiments.

Alan Carr51:48

And it ended with Shanghai and

Alan Carr51:52

But what if it didn't end?

Alan Carr51:55

The embryo inside me is two millimetres long.

Alan Carr51:59

And the heart has already started to beat.

Alan Carr52:03

But I'm not pregnant.

Alan Carr52:05

How can I be pregnant?

Alan Carr52:07

Something is beginning here.

Alan Carr52:11

Let's beginning again.

Alan Carr52:13

Tracks

Presenter52:14

Yeah.

Alan Carr52:14

Chimera

Presenter52:15

Yeah.

Presenter52:16

Download the complete box set on BBC Signs.