Joan Turner

Joan Turner0:00

Hello, I'm Kirsty Young, and this is a podcast from the Desert Island Discs archive. For rights reasons, we've had to shorten the music.

Joan Turner0:08

The programme was originally broadcast in nineteen eighty eight, and the presenter was Sue Lawley.

Presenter0:28

My Castaway this week could, some say, have been a great opera singer, but the world of grand theatrical gestures and high emotion was not for her. Instead, she chose to make us laugh, and did it so successfully that this year she celebrates fifty years in show business.

Joan Turner0:44

Yeah.

Presenter0:45

She was a household name in the fifties and sixties, known as the Wacky Warbler.

Presenter0:49

Or more sedately as the girl with a thousand voices. Her voice spans four octaves. Her humour has an even wider range. She is Joan Turner. Fifty years in show business, Joan. Quite an achievement there. I suppose it is, yes. I I I'm probably the only person still alive that's been fifty years in show business. I don't know. Maybe I'm not. Why do they call you the Wacky Warbler?

Joan Turner1:09

Yeah.

Presenter1:13

That was the American expression. A wacky warbler is a

Presenter1:16

A crazy lady with a voice, really. And I I didn't really know I had a straight singing voice for much longer after that.'Cause I remember I mean, I remember you much more on the telly, I think, in in those very large frou froux frocks and the tight tight boys. The first frou froux frock I wore was um was a B B C frock.

Joan Turner1:28

Type was that

Presenter1:33

And it was with um old Richard Afton. He made me sing straight. He didn't like me being funny. I mean, I remember you though messing about with your voice, suddenly going, Yes, well, I was longing to mess about in this La Campa seater, but he had this ring of girls

Joan Turner1:42

Yes.

Presenter1:48

prancing round me to keep me from running out of the ring and going bananas, which I which I did after that, which really I was supposed to do really wasn't I? I mean, I wasn't meant to stand there with a mantilla on this great big crinoline, singing La Campesita in Spanish. Now, Joan, we're here to cast you away, and cast you away we must.

Presenter2:04

How important is music going to be to you there?

Presenter2:08

Well, very important. I mean, it's a pity I can only take eight records. I'd like to take my whole collection'cause I have got quite a collection from way back, you know. Let's hear your first one then.

Presenter2:21

If I may, one of my own, and the very first record I ever made, which of course was the the fifties when I became a name. It's happy memories, you know, my first record that didn't get anywhere, you know. Surely Baxy makes one and sells a million, I bet a million, I can't sell one. See little shadows dance across a window pane.

Speaker 32:50

To your lovers melt folks when we dance the show

Presenter3:03

Oh dear

Presenter3:05

I'll play it all through when I'm on the island.

Presenter3:08

That was the Shadow Wolf sung by my castaway Joan Turner with Wally Stott and his orchestra. Now Joan, you say that wherever you go people say to you, Are you going to do your Ema Sumak? What is your Ema Sumak? Well, of course, Ema Sumak is um she did it her first vocal was Virgin of the Sun goal, which was a very big hit.

Joan Turner3:13

Yeah.

Joan Turner3:19

Is it

Joan Turner3:20

Yeah.

Presenter3:26

I used to do I did impressions all the time anyway, especially on the radio shows I did. And I used to end up with this sumac thing because it became such a gimmick for me, the high notes and the low notes, that we used to do just one little bit.

Presenter3:45

I want to tell you a story. You know, and I used to end up with a ps that was all I ever did of it on the in the ray on the radio. But there's that's it's that's what about the top note, it's a bit early. Oh, it's too early for you. I got it.

Joan Turner3:56

Uh

Presenter4:04

That's the four octaves of your voice, is it? Well, I don't know whether it's four octaves. I think that's a bit of an exaggeration, you know. See, I see I don't read music.

Presenter4:13

I never have. I couldn't be bothered so purely by listening to records. But d were you never tempted to train your voice properly? I mean you could have been an opera singer. Well yes, of course, that's what everybody says. And we should stop telling the jokes and the

Joan Turner4:20

Oh yeah.

Joan Turner4:22

Well yes of

Presenter4:25

It's been going on. It still does. I wish you'd gone into opera. Well, of course it's too late to start that now. Do you wish you'd gone into opera? Uh not really. I don't think so. I don't think I could stay serious enough for that. Let's have a second record. Yes. Well, Frank Sinatra,'cause come what may, he still is my very favourite singer.

Speaker 44:46

I've got you.

Speaker 44:50

Under my skin

Speaker 44:54

I've got you.

Speaker 44:57

Deep in the heart of me

Speaker 45:01

So deep in my heart that you're really a part of me.

Speaker 35:09

I've got you.

Speaker 35:12

Under my skin.

Presenter5:16

Frank Sinata with I've Got You Under My Skin.

Presenter5:20

Were you always a a clown, Joan, as a little girl? Oh, yes, and I always wanted to be a ballet dancer, you see. I think most little girls do, don't they?

Joan Turner5:28

Uh Um

Presenter5:29

A ballet dancer and a movie star. You were an Irish Cockney, you say? Yes, well, my mother's family uh come from court. Mum's still around, be 88 in August. Marvellous. Um

Joan Turner5:32

Yes, well

Presenter5:39

Yes, um all mum's family came from Cork and my father was from Tooting in England but the reason I was born in Ireland in Belfast was because Daddy was with the British Army then and uh he was based in Belfast, you see. Which one of them gave you the sense of humour? Oh, my father's side I think. I think m th mum's got mum's got it too. They both have really but daddy was a real cock Miss Barry, you know, and uh And who decided you should go on the stage?

Presenter6:05

Um

Presenter6:07

I did.

Presenter6:09

Mummy allowed it. I don't think Daddy minded really what I did. It was all and mum wore the trousers anyway, so it was always what she said, you see. So how did you get onto that? I mean, were you always showing off as a child and oh yes, always from early days, you know, and um doing what? Oh, ch uh dancing, doing impressions, impersonations. I always did those.

Joan Turner6:20

Oh yes.

Presenter6:29

And and I always hated school because I always wanted to go on the stage. It's you know, it's an old story really. So then you went for your first audition. How old were you then? Um, eleven. And it was it was the time of Carol Levis and his discoveries and and Terry's juveniles. You ever heard of those? They were dancers, of course, wonder children, horrible little things, you know, in red uniforms. And I remember going

Joan Turner6:49

In red

Joan Turner6:50

Yeah.

Presenter6:52

That that was the very first order, but that wasn't for voice, that was for dancing, and Madam Terry.

Presenter6:57

Was a was a bit of a dragon, and you had to stand up against a wall. It was like wasn't Valentine's Day Massacre, you know.

Presenter7:06

Looking very sheepish, I wa I'm sure I was. And uh I was always very plump, you see, and she just went along the line, like like r reviewing the army, you know, and said, Yes, yes, yes, yes She got to me, said too fat, yes, yes.

Joan Turner7:21

His s

Presenter7:22

That was the edge of my wanting to be a dancer, but I still took lessons.

Joan Turner7:22

That was the edge of

Presenter7:27

So tell me when you went for your first vote. The first audition for the vote for the impressions was at Queen's House, Leicester Square, which is still there.

Joan Turner7:28

It's the vice audition.

Presenter7:34

Agent called Joe Seymour.

Presenter7:36

And I'd got this three bits of music. I've got George Formby, Mr. Wu.

Presenter7:41

Oh, mister Woo, what shall I do? I've got those kind of Limass Chinese laundry blues, which at the age of eleven must have sounded ridiculous.

Presenter7:48

And can I do it better now I've got older,'cause my voice has gone down a bit. And there was Gracie singing It shot up like a rocket till it nearly touched the sky. It's the biggest ice pedestrian in the world.

Presenter8:02

Then there was Jesse Matthews. When you've got a little springtime in your heart, you can laugh at all the wintry winds that blow.

Presenter8:11

And you did all this as a girl of thirteen.

Joan Turner8:11

What a girl of thirteen.

Presenter8:15

Animal crackers in my soup. Lions on tigers loop for loop. Got shoggy, but I have fun. Swallowing animals one by one. I did little turn down. But the agent liked you and he bought it. Oh yes, yeah, I he put me with a load of discoveries. The discoveries of nineteen thirty-eight, which makes me fifty years in the business, you see. We shall pause and have a third record, Jim.

Presenter8:38

Well, it's Edelweiss.

Presenter8:40

And um

Presenter8:42

By some by My My Old Palvitz Hill.

Presenter8:48

Uh

Speaker 38:49

I shall arise.

Speaker 38:55

Where is my homeland?

Presenter9:10

Vince Hill singing Edelweiss from the sound of music.

Presenter9:14

So, Joan, by by the age of of twenty one, during the war, you were making a a good living in variety and and enjoying yourself. And then you got married.

Joan Turner9:20

Yes.

Presenter9:22

I got rather fed up with the struggle and the temptation of marrying an older man and somebody with security and could give me a nice home and things. And I always wanted children. I always secretly wanted a family life anyway. I was never 100% a career person. So why then, 10 years later in 1954, when a big offer came, did you take it?

Presenter9:46

Well, I was still doing odd bits throughout that period because he never wanted me to go back on the stage. He wanted a wife and obviously loved me and all the rest of it. And he wanted a home life, which is why he got married anyway, I suppose. And he was a very good husband. But he was very possessive and wanted me to stay at home, didn't like me going off on tour. Whereby he allowed me to do the odd Sunday concert because work was still coming in all through that period, which was a terrific temptation. But finally, in 1954, you were made the offer you couldn't refuse. I did. This was the Opera House Blackpool for 18 weeks, which was of course

Joan Turner10:18

I did, but this was

Presenter10:23

Obviously the next step to the Palladium and the next step to the West End, there was no question about that.

Presenter10:29

Anyway, he allowed me to do that and he would come yeah Blackpool. He would allow me to come he would come up every weekend.

Joan Turner10:31

And he be caspin.

Presenter10:36

And by then, of course, my daughter was one year old. I had a baby then, you know, by that time by fifty-four, she was one. And, um

Presenter10:44

I had to, you know, get a nanny or my mother would come with us and we managed quite well with Tony Hancock and Jimmy Edwards and we eventually came to the Adelphi with the same show. But that was 54 and the Royal Command performance. That year was the the year. In the end though, you had to choose, didn't you, between your marriage or your profession? Yes, well when the Adelphi came, you said they said we might go to the West End with this show. Well that was something I had no intention of turning down. I mean that's something I'd worked for for years.

Presenter11:13

And I said, Well, I'm sorry, I'm I'm going to do it So I came to London, got a flat in town.

Presenter11:18

Brought her my daughter with me, got an annie.

Presenter11:21

And then of course by fifty five the the second one was on the way. That was another interruption. Then I had a nervous breakdown through worrying, being torn between the home, the husband.

Presenter11:31

And my career.

Presenter11:33

And in the end it was

Presenter11:35

The end to your marriage? Uh beginning of the end. It struggled on, you know, until he he gave up and and divorced me on desertion, which, you know, at least it wasn't adultery.

Presenter11:45

And you lost the custody of the children in this tug-of-war war. Well I did, but we we deliberately didn't have a tug-of-war because it's it's so bad for the children. I said, whatever happens, they mustn't be affected by this, whatever happens between us.

Joan Turner11:48

The website.

Presenter11:57

And uh but I just had them in the school holidays then. Looking back, Joan, do you think your decision was the right one to go for the career option and to to really bring about, as you said, the beginning of the end of the moment? Well, I think it was because, see, I've got a great I've got great faith in prayer anyway, and and when I'm in a mess or a muddle, I always ask for guidance because everyone gives you different advice. So, who are you going to listen to, you know?

Joan Turner12:10

Uh

Presenter12:22

No, I I don't don't regret it now and we're all friends now. I mean, you know, it's all we're all grown up a bit now from those days and uh

Presenter12:31

My first daughter's on the stage now, Susannah Page. She's in the business. He wanted her to be a barrister.

Presenter12:37

She's an actress now, so there you are. It's probably worked out with the best. Let's have your fourth record, then. Yes. Well, it's one fine day from Puccini's Opera Man and Butterfly. It was the big finish of my act. It was my big closer, which I sang straight, and it was the only serious thing I did in the act. When I went over on the Old Queen Mary, my first trip to New York, there was a very drunken man came up to me in the bar one night, and the ship was it was pretty rough, you know, everybody's swaying about, and we were all having something to steady our nerves. He says, Joan Hammond, he says to me.

Presenter13:08

Joan Hammered, he said, I know you really well. I said, I'm not Joan Hammond. I kept trying to, I'm Joan Turner. I do the impressions. I am a singer, but I'm also a comedian. I'm not just a story. And I'm explaining all this to him, you see. And he said, well, I'm sorry, love. You must forgive me. I forgot, got your name wrong, and all the apologies, you know. And he goes away, and about half an hour later, he came back again. And he says, oh, he said, he says, love, he says, you must forgive me, love. Fancy me thinking you were Joan Turner.

Speaker 313:57

Uh

Joan Turner14:10

Thim not all.

Joan Turner14:18

I stay upon the brow of the healer.

Joan Turner14:23

And we to the find a way for a long time.

Presenter14:36

One fine day from Puccini's Madam Butterfly, sung by Joan Hammond with the Philharmonia Orchestra conducted by Glauco Curiel. Joan, is there a practical bone in your body? I mean, are you going to fend for yourself on this island?

Presenter14:51

Uh yes, I suppose I am. I mean, I have to, won't I?'Cause there'll be nobody else there, will there? Unless a Man Friday turns up.

Joan Turner14:56

I'm messing

Presenter14:57

Is escape on the cart.

Presenter14:59

Oh, yes.

Presenter15:01

Um I mean, I'm no good at building, so I don't see how a c a boat's the only answer, isn't it?

Presenter15:07

And I I'd probably pray for for a ship to turn up, for my ship to come in.

Presenter15:12

Which I still have.

Joan Turner15:12

A s

Presenter15:15

It did come in for you though in the fifties and sixties. I mean they were brilliant years for you weren't they? You did everything pantomime, variety.

Joan Turner15:18

It's for you one thing.

Joan Turner15:20

After mom

Presenter15:22

Radio, television. Yeah, it just about did everything then, yeah.

Joan Turner15:23

Yeah

Presenter15:26

But you used to do religious talks as well. I'm not a holy Joe or anything, but it's it my religious bits had humour in them. They were sort of encoura words of encouragement. I've got a prayer book called that, um, more than preaching religion. So and I did all the saints. I I did the lives of the saints because um through studying lives of the saints in the library and everything for the programme, I found out how very human they were. Let's hear your fifth record. Ah, well, it's Mario Lancer, who was my favourite singer.

Joan Turner15:51

Oh.

Presenter15:55

At the favourite tenor, singing I'll walk with God.

Presenter15:59

M mainly'cause I l love his voice. Secondly, it's uh

Presenter16:04

It's a nice encouraging feeling if you're on an island, isn't it? You know somebody's there, or there's nobody there. At least you you feel there's a higher p somebody with you helping you to get off the blinking place.

Speaker 316:17

I walk with God from this they all

Speaker 316:27

His helping hand balling upon This is my prayer, my humbled

Speaker 316:48

May the Lord.

Presenter16:57

Ario Lanza singing I'll Walk with God

Presenter17:00

So the success and the money poured in, Joan, for some twenty years. Oh, yes. But you spent all that money just as quickly. Yes. What do you spend it on?

Speaker 317:09

Yeah.

Presenter17:10

Oh family.

Presenter17:12

Friends, hangers-on. She always gets anybody. I had parties every night. I had nightclubs, restaurants. I had accounts everywhere.

Presenter17:22

Um but I love buying things for the family. Once I had the money, when you've been poor, you know, it's very tempting and and I never listened to anybody. I mean, I had some good advisers, no question about that, but I wouldn't listen to them uh to invest money and

Presenter17:36

and all the rest of it that one should do. But what did you buy for yourself? Rolls-Royces? Yes, I had a Rolls-Royce, a Bentley, mink coats.

Joan Turner17:42

I have a bench.

Presenter17:45

I had hairdressers and masseurs come to me every day, and then I stopped going to them. They came to me.

Presenter17:52

So too damn lazy to go out. And then one day the DHSS knocked on the door. Oh yes. That was out of the blue. Well, it wasn't really, because I'd had warning letters from the National

Presenter18:03

Health service

Presenter18:04

saying that I owed nine hundred and ninety nine pounds.

Presenter18:08

In stamps.

Presenter18:10

I wrote them a letter saying I don't choose the National Health, I always have private doctors and dentists and I don't see why I should pay all these backstamps. That's why I stopped paying my share because if you work I was self employed most of the time, but there were managements involved.

Presenter18:24

in certain things, obviously, so it's all very complicated.

Presenter18:28

Anyway, it got to the stage when um I was running short of money anyway, and I didn't really want to spend nine hundred and ninety nine pounds on anything.

Presenter18:35

And um they the guy came ringing on my on my entry phone. He says, Are you Joan Turner? I said yes.

Presenter18:44

He said, Well, I'm from the National Health, he says, and you owe us, because they always say us, don't they? I don't know why, you think it was personal debt to him, wouldn't you? You owe us £990, £99, £10. I said, Yes, well, I've already written to tell your people I'm not paying it because A, I can't afford it at the moment, and B, I've never used the National Health, which I hadn't. He said, but other people have. I said, well, I'm not paying for other people. And there was all this big argument that went on on the entry phone. He couldn't see me and I couldn't see him. He says, well, he says, what about your pension? Well, of course, I said, well, I'm not thinking of that at the moment, my man. You see, much too early. I said, I'll manage, you know, very cocky, as I always was. And he says, well, you're going to, he says, we're going to make you bankrupt. And he actually told me this on the entry phone. So you ended up in court and you were declared bankrupt.

Speaker 319:33

Ugh.

Presenter19:34

Must have been very painful. Well, I th it was awful. I mean, you know, especially when you you like spending and and uh and I hate any embarrassment of any form. I hate courts and the very thoughts of summons is and thing. Just absolutely terrifying me. How did your friends react?

Presenter19:49

They didn't come around much because, you see, I couldn't afford the parties any more and it was really only the parties and I had all fa always famous people in my house and of course to show off to my friends who I knew. Still at the in those days I was showing off who I knew and all the big name dropping, you see. It was quite mad.

Presenter20:07

And um all these people used to come and have all this free champagne. I always had the best of wines. Every everything had to be the best. There was no plong and no bring your own bottle. I wouldn't allow that. Oh, you're not bringing the bottle, not to my party. Why do you think you needed to show off quite so much into the middle of the morning? Well, I suppose being a child, because

Speaker 320:21

Uh

Joan Turner20:21

Uh

Presenter20:23

I I had nothing. I think when you've been poor

Presenter20:26

You either become terribly sensible and mean, or you go the other way. I think there's no in between, is there really?

Presenter20:32

And how did the audiences react to your bankruptcy? Well, I was given the I was at the the Dome at Brighton, I was a member, going in for the matinee one afternoon.

Presenter20:43

And I was giving autographs, and this man came up behind me. He says, May I have your autograph? Mr. Daniel, I said, Of course, you know.

Presenter20:49

Flamboyancy. And I signed it. He said, Thank you very much. And it was the bankruptcy lecture.

Presenter20:55

As I walked in the theatre.

Presenter20:57

It was a thing I had to sign.

Presenter20:59

Before the public hearing, I think that was. And then during the week, it all came out in the papers. And I went on and sang people, people who need people and started crying. Oh, God, you know, it was lovely. And they were cheering me. The place was packed because I was in trouble. Had I not been in trouble, there wouldn't have been five people in the audience. People love to come and see you upset, don't they?

Joan Turner21:18

People love to come and see

Presenter21:21

See how you're weathering the storm. Well, you did weather it and you paid it off in the end, didn't you? Struggled, I even borrowed to pay back.

Joan Turner21:25

Yeah.

Presenter21:29

And I got my discharge from bankruptcy in nineteen eighty, which wasn't generally known'cause that's about the time I went to the States. I couldn't take much more of it and I just ran away, to be honest, and that's why I went to America.

Presenter21:40

Let's have your sixth record.

Presenter21:45

Uh

Presenter21:46

Going on a bit, isn't it? In date wise. My mother, she never watches the show. She does doesn't understand the show very much. She'd be eighty eight September in August. And she loves the theme tune from it though. I think it's'cause she likes waltzes.

Presenter22:30

The theme tune from the television series Tales of the Unexpected, which was written by Ron Grainer and played by his orchestra.

Presenter22:37

So, Joan, you you upped and offed when you were um discharged um and went to America. You were sixty years old and I didn't realize that, I didn't feel it.

Joan Turner22:45

I didn't realize

Presenter22:47

What a brave thing to do. Nobody knew you there. No, nobody. I was completely unknown. I think I'd.

Joan Turner22:47

My grace

Presenter22:54

I've had such a tough time here, and it all became really too much, although I was very happy about getting the discharge, but on the other hand, it didn't make me any richer.

Presenter23:02

and it was still very hard to get work.

Presenter23:05

I mean, I think it was mainly'cause I lost confidence. I wasn't even trying. In fact, I think that was a period when I really wanted to leave the business. It must have been a bit of a title. But the talent the old talent touch was still there, I think, and the the the yearning to go on the stage again, you know. It was alwa it's always there.

Joan Turner23:13

But the talent, the old

Presenter23:23

And uh being a born show off, you see, you you you hate being ignored, you know. I felt well, perhaps the end that's the end of my my my English bit now, because I'd been in America twice before, w years back.

Presenter23:36

Um, and I liked it, I get on well with Americans and I thought, well, you never know, they might go for my kind of stuff over there. I really wanted to go to Hollywood because secretly I've always wanted to be a movie star, I said, this could be the chance of me getting nice character parts in Dallas or something, you see.

Presenter23:53

But anyway, I went round auditioning where Joan Rivers all these clubs Joan Rivers started in, you know, and I met her over there and she says, You go audition at the back light She said, That's where I started and and everybody was very sweet and very helpful and I stayed at all different people. I couldn't afford a hotel really. Then I got I got two cruises down to Mexico. I managed to audition for a couple of cruises. Then I had to get work permits and things, you see, but they all had to be paid for, but with odd jobs and things here and there in the clubs. Well anyway, I I got very homesick and mum wasn't getting any younger either. I lost my dad and um

Presenter24:31

And the daughters, you know, and I don't know, the homesickness crept in first, then out of the blue, I got a cable from John Cleese's office to say my availability.

Presenter24:41

for No Surrender, which I made in eighty five, you know, the Black Boys and the Black Stuff, Alan Bleasdale thing. That was my very first movie. And I go over there to get a movie and get Hall back here. And I came back and did the movie here and um

Presenter24:56

Then I'm doing another one. Then I'm doing another one. Let's hear your seventh record, Shally. The seventh one?

Presenter25:01

Oh, it's bright eyes because uh John Hurt did the commentary on um

Presenter25:06

on water ship down, as we all know. And um

Presenter25:09

I've known Hip John a long time, long before he became a big name, and he's al never changed, always been a nice person. And it's sheer coincidence that that I'm actually in a movie with him, I only do one little bit with him, but then as Dame Edith Evans said, there's no such thing as a small part, dear, only a small actor. But John Hurt tells me Chekhov said that and not Dame Edith Evans.

Presenter25:31

Nobody seems to know where you go.

Presenter25:36

And what does it mean?

Speaker 325:39

Uh

Speaker 325:42

Is it a dream?

Presenter25:46

Uh

Speaker 325:46

Uh

Joan Turner25:46

Bruh.

Speaker 325:47

I'm sorry.

Presenter25:49

Uh

Speaker 325:49

Burning like fire

Speaker 325:55

Bright eyes

Presenter25:59

Close and fail.

Presenter26:01

Bright Eyes sung by Art Garfunkel from the soundtrack of the film Watership Down.

Presenter26:07

Joan, you said once, explaining or or trying to explain the lack of success in your married life, that um women with talent get too domineering.

Joan Turner26:12

Yeah.

Presenter26:17

What did you mean by that?

Presenter26:19

Well, become too powerful, is more the word, I think, don't you?

Presenter26:22

You're fighting men all the time anyway, so you've got to become like them, haven't you? You become quite bossy.

Presenter26:28

Yes, I think you have to be, because once they see the weakness of a woman, you lose the fight.

Presenter26:34

Well, if you haven't learned how how not to become bossy, I mean, what what you have always known instinctively, I I presume. Oh, really?

Joan Turner26:41

And I've never

Joan Turner26:43

Uh

Presenter26:44

Why not? I'm too weak. I'm too um I I'm always afraid of upsetting. See, when you're an entertainer, you see, you're there to please the audience, and that's always it's all part of your makeup.

Joan Turner26:52

It's a

Presenter26:55

That you go on there and you're gonna like me and you're people pleasing all the time. And uh being a woman makes you even weaker because uh

Presenter27:04

If you've always had a man around and that kind of thing, it's it's a lot of women are like that. They won't even a lot of women won't go to a party with other men. I mean, that's even that's just social. It's not even doing a job. And when you're standing up there in front of thousands of people, as I've done many times

Presenter27:19

Um

Presenter27:20

And you you play the same role offstage, you see. You're frightened of off offending anybody. And you you even you even go against your better judgment sometimes so as not to offend people, which is what I did.

Presenter27:31

And if I'd been stronger and thought to myself now, um I needn't have gone bankrupt, I I I needn't have done the stupid things I did

Presenter27:41

If I'd if I'd been more sensible and harder.

Presenter27:44

But what you've had to do is perhaps one of the hardest jobs of all, is that even when your own life has been falling apart, as you've described, you've had to go out there and make'em laugh.

Joan Turner27:52

Thank you.

Presenter27:54

Well, I suppose I've had to go out and make them laugh because, you know, it's a funny thing. See, comics always want to be actors, you see. You know, they always want to be in Shakespeare. This is a well-known fact, isn't it? I've always wanted to play tragedy because I never got the chance of it. I can try it out in real life, which is disastrous, you see. I'm sure psychologically. Because if I'd been acting, if I'd been the Royal Shakespeare Company or the National and doing really dramatic things, I'm jolly sure it would not have come into my life because I'd have acted it out on stage.

Presenter28:26

And um

Presenter28:28

And of course the lacking of confidence was my own fault,'cause I brought myself down nobody else did.

Presenter28:35

See, I allowed it to happen, and people used to say, You've got a destructive button somewhere in your and I never understood what they meant.

Presenter28:42

Your eighth record, please. Oh, have we got another one? Lucky old me. It's I Have Dreamed.

Presenter28:50

From my one and only album.

Presenter28:53

You had the single from 1955, now you've got the album from 1964.

Presenter28:58

And uh from the King and I you're gonna say that, of course.

Presenter29:01

Um and I used to call it I Have Screamed with the King asked the Queen'll be livid.

Joan Turner29:09

Uh

Joan Turner29:12

And enjoy the full

Joan Turner29:18

Mr. Prince, I've loved you so much.

Joan Turner29:32

What it's like.

Joan Turner29:35

To be on my

Presenter29:44

Yeah.

Presenter29:46

Then the chorus came floating in. Oh, mummy own gold.

Presenter29:52

That was I Have Dreamed from The King and I sung by Jento. I've still got it! Both on record.

Speaker 329:57

Yeah.

Presenter30:00

Now, Joan, come on, this is the moment of decision. Which of these eight records, which one of them are you going to choose?

Presenter30:06

On a fine day, I suppose,'cause we're

Presenter30:09

I mean, having had such terrible weather in in England, we're bound to have lovely weather on the island, aren't we? We really have several fine days.

Joan Turner30:14

Oh well.

Presenter30:17

And while it's fine, and and when you've waded through the Bible and the complete works of Shakespeare, what other book would you like to wade through?

Presenter30:26

Well, there's a book called by Saint Francis de Sales, S.A.L.E.S. Salle, I suppose it is in French, isn't it? De Salle. De Salle.

Joan Turner30:32

The sound

Presenter30:34

And it's very good. The introduction to the devout life, it's a great consolation in it. There's also a little tiny.

Presenter30:41

Book of Prayers here I discovered, in my misery.

Presenter30:45

And um, can I I'll read it to you? It says, um, we turn to God for help. Can I read this a little bit? It says, Help me, God, to bear, well, the things that are hard to bear. Help me to bear pain with cheerfulness and without complaint. Failure, that's if I'm trying to build a boat, failure with the perseverance to go on trying until I succeed, disappointment without bitterness and without resentment, delays with patience that has learned to wait, criticism without losing my temper, and defeat without making excuses.

Presenter31:16

You're going to be jolly wise when you get back. Well, I mean, am I coming back? I mean, I don't know. Are you sending a ship? I'm not coming back. Go to, please.

Speaker 331:18

But that's

Joan Turner31:23

Can you do please?

Presenter31:25

And your luxury, Jeff.

Presenter31:27

Uh oh well baked beans. They happen to be my favourite food and and a can opener, they're those new tins that you with a ring on which you just pull back. So you don't need a can opener. Because be they're the most nourishing food you can eat. And if you could live on baked beans because it's all protein. Of course we'd need water wouldn't we? Yes, you will have some fresh water and you will have, Joan, an endless supply of baked beans and a can opener just in case the can doesn't and you can't have a hairdresser that is all you can have. And I'm going to stop you there and I'm going to say no fags. No fags. Oh dear. I'm going to say Joan Turner.

Speaker 331:45

Yeah.

Joan Turner31:51

And just in case the can design.

Joan Turner31:53

Have a header status.

Joan Turner31:57

Mean to say.

Presenter32:01

Thank you very much indeed for letting us hear your dissertation.

Joan Turner32:03

Thank you.

Joan Turner32:16

You've been listening to a podcast from the Desert Island Discs Archive. For more podcasts, please visit bbc.co.uk/radio four.