Graham Norton

Speaker 20:00

Hello, I'm Kirsty Young, and this is a podcast from the Desert Island Discs archive. For rights reasons we've had to shorten the music. The programme was originally broadcast in two thousand and four, and the presenter was Sue Lawley.

Presenter0:30

My Costaway this week is an entertainer. He's made his name in television shows which have transformed silliness into an art form, a camp conduit into people's private lives and the odd things that they get up to.

Presenter0:42

Brought up in Ireland, quick witted and theatrical, he might have become an actor, but a short spell in the profession convinced him that he could never take it seriously enough. Instead, he honed his skills as a one man band, travelling via the Edinburgh Fringe and Channel Five to a late night show that made his name on Channel Four and has brought him four BAFTA awards. He's recently announced he's leaving them for the BBC. Is his mischief to become more respectable, perhaps? He says all he wants to do is please people. I want to be part of the television landscape as long as anyone will have me. I can't do anything else, he says. Here's Graham Norton. He sounds almost plaintive, that Graham.

Graham Norton1:19

It does sound very beggy and pleady, doesn't it?

Presenter1:21

Just please keep me around. I can't go anywhere else.

Graham Norton1:21

This h

Graham Norton1:23

You know, I have no special skills. I can't sing or juggle or do anything. I can carry five plates still.

Presenter1:29

I can't.

Presenter1:34

But you found it. That's the point. That's what's happened to you, isn't it? You found yourself, happily and luckily. This is what you can do.

Graham Norton1:40

Exactly. It is happily and uckily that I I'm doing my dream job. And who knew that it was a job?

Presenter1:46

It's a very dangerous job, it has to be said. I mean, you do walk a tightrope, don't you?

Graham Norton1:46

Very d

Graham Norton1:50

Yes, and occasionally fall offers. Yes, we we venture into quite dangerous territory at the change.

Presenter1:52

Yes.

Presenter1:56

Very strange. I mean, I'm wondering for those who haven't seen your show, how would you define it? I mean, it is kind of smutty fun, huh?

Graham Norton2:03

It is. I mean, it's camp nonsense. A lot of it is quite rude or risque, but I think it's sort of harmless. I think it's sort of like finding your dad's stash of naughty magazines or dodgy playing cards. It's that sort of it's childish. It's very infantile.

Presenter2:19

I suppose what's worrying as a viewer is that that people want to tell you these things. I am amazed that a man will show you that he's had his penis pierced, or that a woman will tell you that she's tried to wax her undercarriage, as she calls

Presenter2:34

Why do people tell you these things? I mean, they want to stand up on television. This is being famous for 15 minutes gone mad.

Graham Norton2:40

Well, I think they're carried away by the mood in the studio, where it is a real party atmosphere. They're just telling the stories that they know go down well at the pub. We all have those tales that we tell at dinner parties.

Presenter2:53

But do you think they pretend to themselves in that minute then that nobody's really listening or not?

Graham Norton2:56

They genuinely forget. I mean, I have bumped into people afterwards and they kind of say, Oh, the thing that happened on your show, it wrecked my life. Parents haven't spoken to children for, you know, up to a year. And then this one particular woman told me a story where they hadn't spoken for this long time. Finally, there was a great kind of reproachment. There was going to be this dinner party and they were going to get back together again. And what happened then? We showed a best of Socrano the night before.

Presenter3:28

And what was this person doing? Can you possibly describe it?

Graham Norton3:28

And what was this?

Graham Norton3:30

Oh, her father had found a marital lead uh in her bed. And anyway, she told this story and it she told it very well, it was very funny, and somehow she thought that her parents and her parents' friends would not be watching my show, but they were.

Presenter3:45

My show.

Presenter3:47

Uh

Graham Norton3:47

Uh

Presenter3:47

But it is indicative of a greater

Presenter3:50

frankness about everyone today, isn't it? And it's not just young people. I mean, you have, you know I mean we know old ducks have always liked a bit of smut, but I mean they will come on and talk about their marital aids, won't they?

Graham Norton4:01

Yes, and I think it's rather refreshing and nice. I don't see it as a symptom of any great demise of moral standards. I just think it's an openness. I think a lot of those stories could be told on daytime television, and we'd all be nodding, and I'd have an expert standing beside me, and we kind of, you know, I'm sensing issues of self-esteem, and please get help. You know, people are standing by. But on our show, you can tell those stories, and we go, hooray, well done.

Presenter4:21

Mm.

Graham Norton4:27

And I th I think that's healthy.

Presenter4:29

And then there are your guests, the big star names: Joan Collins, Ivana, Trump, Sophia Ren, Bodak. We will come to them, but let us pause and hear what your first record is.

Graham Norton4:37

Ooh, my first record is uh Grace Jones. I'm a big fan of hers, and she was sort of the first guest where the show really kicked in. It was Grace Jones and the Judith Chalmers together.

Graham Norton4:50

And this song is it's The Apple Stretching, and I know there are lots of more famous songs about New York, but for me this is sort of the best love song to the Great New York that I know.

Speaker 35:03

New York put its feet on the globe.

Speaker 35:11

It's just the other stretching in your

Speaker 35:17

Jex Laurie.

Speaker 35:22

He all put his feet on the floor.

Presenter5:30

Grace Jones singing The Apple Stretching, one of your guests, as were so many other people. But just explain this to me, I need you to explain this to me. Why would Joan Collins come on your show and agree to talk on the telephone to a glove fetishist who was, it has to be said, audibly distressed by her description of removing a pair of long black gloves?

Graham Norton5:51

Joan Collins was one of the she was a sort of breakthrough guest for us in a way because you know it's a new show and it looks like a very dangerous place.

Speaker 35:58

Hmm.

Graham Norton5:58

To go, I think before it gets it's not, though. The guests actually are very safe. I I always say this to the guests before they come on. I always kind of rub their arm, literally rub their arm, and say, Look, nothing bad is going to happen to you. Whatever happens to the audience, whatever happens

Presenter6:15

To the person on the end of the phone.

Graham Norton6:15

Phone, all of that, you, the guest, is safe.

Presenter6:19

No, you're very good, and you protect them in that way, don't you? And you stepped in just at the moment when that telephone call was going to get very difficult. As the middle as she did it, you know, she got herself into this position. I just don't understand why she would agree to do that.

Graham Norton6:27

I don't think

Graham Norton6:32

Well, because she's Joan Collins. She's fun. I mean

Graham Norton6:36

I I I d I think particularly older stars are far less protective of their image. Uh y it's it's very odd. It's the young stars with the entourage and the publicists. They're the ones who freak out.

Presenter6:42

Mm.

Presenter6:49

But it's interesting that normally, if they go on chat shows, these people, they're selling something. They're not with you. They're coming on to have a bit of fun. Perhaps they just want to show that they can let their hair down. Is that what it is?

Graham Norton6:58

Well also I think some in a way what's good about the show is that the interviews are so bad in that I'm useless. I'm terrible at asking the right questions. I'm I'm and also I have no real interest. I like meeting celebrities and then my interest wanes. Occasionally because it it is an edited show I'll throw the guest a bone. I'll let them tell a very long boring story.

Presenter7:21

Safe in the knowledge you're going to cut it out.

Graham Norton7:22

Exactly. You know, hmm, fascinating. And then move on.

Presenter7:27

Mm-hmm.

Graham Norton7:27

Uh but I am in my own head constantly I'm constantly sort of editing it, I suppose, and sort of thinking, oh well.

Speaker 37:32

Yeah.

Graham Norton7:34

If I say this now, they can link that back to the the last funny bit.

Presenter7:37

Yeah.

Presenter7:39

Hmm.

Graham Norton7:39

Um

Graham Norton7:40

Well, it's not that hard to do.

Presenter7:42

You're deeply professional, Grandma.

Graham Norton7:43

Yes, profoundly.

Graham Norton7:45

Yeah.

Presenter7:45

Yeah.

Graham Norton7:45

Uh

Presenter7:45

Second record.

Graham Norton7:45

Oh, this is Janice Ian at 17 and it's the I was going to say it's the first concert I ever went to, was Janice Ian in Cork City Hall. But in fact it's about the only concert I've ever been to. Haven't been to many, that's my love of music coming out. And this song, i i it it just says everything there is to say about um teenage angs.

Speaker 38:08

I learned the truth at seventeen.

Speaker 38:12

Their love was meant for beauty queens.

Speaker 38:17

And high school girls with clear skinned smiles Who married young and then retired

Speaker 38:28

The Valentines are near

Speaker 38:32

The Friday night charades of you

Presenter8:37

Janice Ian and at seventeen. Does that give us a clue, Graham Norton, all that angst in there and being on the outside and all that uh of what it was like for you at seventeen in in where were we by now? Bandon in County Cork.

Graham Norton8:51

Yes, I was a bad categorical. I was going through that, but I think everyone goes through that. And it's a sort of odd.

Graham Norton8:57

Sadness, in a way, that you go through, I think, in your teenage years, because.

Graham Norton9:02

Even as you're going through it, you know it's going to end. It seems endless, but somehow it's it's a kind of hopeful sadness.

Presenter9:10

Well, it's all before you, isn't it? But I get the impression that your childhood and teenagehood was more isolated than some because your family moved around a lot, didn't they?

Graham Norton9:18

We did move around a lot, and there was also the added thing that I grew up as a Protestant in the south of Ireland, and uh not a lot of them, so I would go to my special kind of Protestant school. So I wouldn't if we did live near any any other people, I wouldn't know them.

Presenter9:24

Not a lot of them.

Graham Norton9:34

Because th they didn't go to school with me.

Presenter9:36

And you moved around a lot'cause your dad was a Guinness rep.

Presenter9:39

And you ended up, as we say, in County Cork. I mean, in all of this, how great a salvation was the television? I mean, you were of that generation, really, weren't you?

Graham Norton9:47

Television was absolutely my friend. It wasn't a great friend because I grew up with RTE and it came on about, I think, five in the afternoon and it finished about sort of 10:30. And you watched everything. I just watched it all. I would watch the news in Irish. I couldn't understand any of it. The only bit I could understand was Augustinischen Eimscher, which means I'm now the weather. And I picked up on that phrase because you knew it was nearly over then. So when you heard it, Augustinischen Eimscher, you were delighted. Oh, great.

Presenter10:17

And were you aware I mean were you more impressed by it than your average kid then? Were you aware that I want to be on the television, which so many children say? Was that stronger in you? I just wonder if at that point you sat in front of the television watching I don't know, Gay Byrne would have been on then doing late night chat shows, wouldn't he?

Graham Norton10:33

Yes, and I mean, I think he's amazing. He's an amazing broadcaster.

Presenter10:37

But did you point at him and said that's what I'd really like to do?

Graham Norton10:40

No, funnily enough, then I'd have pointed at the television and said that I wanted to sit in the other chair. I wanted to sit in the chair I'm in today. I wanted to be the guest.

Presenter10:47

So you just wanted to be famous? I suppose, yes.

Graham Norton10:50

You dress it up as other things, don't you? You dress it up as wanting to be an actor or wanting to be whatever. But bottom line, the fame, I suppose, was my ambition.

Presenter10:59

And were you a performer at at school and

Presenter11:02

When

Graham Norton11:03

Remember being a particular show off or class clown or anything. But class clown, isn't that such an awful expression? You just want to you just hate that person already. But I don't think I was. I pray I wasn't.

Presenter11:14

But wa what about performerly? Did you uh act at school?

Graham Norton11:17

Very little acting at school. Uh, it was a a much uh more of a sports school. It was, you know, rugby and hockey and

Presenter11:24

And you were good at all of that.

Graham Norton11:25

Oh, yes, I was marvellous. Yes. I was on the first, I don't even know how many people are on a rugby team. I was going to say the first 15. I was like, are there 15 people? I don't know.

Presenter11:33

So, where did you shine? I mean, did you shine in the classroom at all? No.

Graham Norton11:37

No, I wasn't very good at exams or anything. No, no shining at all, Sue. Sorry. No favor.

Presenter11:41

No favorite teachers, no favorite subjects.

Graham Norton11:42

Oh no, I did no, I did have favorite teachers. I loved, you know, uh I had favorite teachers. English obviously I really enjoyed uh just because you got to read books. And again, it was a it was a bit like television. It was all a window on a world outside.

Presenter11:56

Echo number three.

Graham Norton11:58

Now this I'm so sorry we've got to listen to this. It's a duet of Islands in the Stream with Dolly Parton, the the wonderful Dolly Parton and tragically me. I'm very, very sorry.

Presenter12:12

But how did you come to make it?

Graham Norton12:14

Oh, uh I did a documentary with Dolly Parton. They s packed me off to singing lessons with a lovely lady called Pepe, uh who's obviously the person you go to when you're in trouble. She does the Spice Girls and the man in the Halifax ad. So and she beat me with a stick till I got as good as this. And uh uh we performed it floating in big rubber tires bobbing down uh a sort of little artificial stream in Dolly's water park.

Speaker 312:41

From one level to another, I fire.

Speaker 312:46

Play

Speaker 312:48

Everyway with me I'm coming, darling, I'm coming.

Presenter12:51

I'm coming down.

Speaker 312:59

I'm sweating.

Speaker 313:05

Got one.

Speaker 313:06

Uh you got me wet

Graham Norton13:08

That makes two of us?

Presenter13:10

Well, she enjoyed that, didn't she?

Graham Norton13:12

No, we had a good time. We had a great time.

Presenter13:14

Islands in the Stream, sung by Dolly partner Mike Osway, Graham Norton. So let's go back long way from boating with Dolly to Bandon Grammar School. Um you haven't had the invitation back to school then to present the prizes yet?

Graham Norton13:27

You know I haven't. Which and to say that I

Graham Norton13:31

I mean

Graham Norton13:32

It just it s it sort of baffles me why they wouldn't.

Presenter13:36

It's the role model thing, though, isn't it? And it's the gayness, isn't it? Isn't that what stops the invitation coming? Sadly. I don't.

Graham Norton13:44

No, I mean in the past I have said that uh Bandon Grammar School and also Bandon I think have a real problem in that they're delighted that someone from there is on the television and doing well. They're just sorry it's me.

Graham Norton13:57

But then the the local paper went mad and said, you know, uh Norton accuses Bandit of homophobia and apparently it's very gay friendly. Uh that's what the council said. So uh hopefully he'll turn into the San Francisco of Ireland and uh see how they like it.

Presenter14:05

There he go

Presenter14:12

I mean, we should make the point that homosexuality was only legalized, I think, in Ireland, what, about ten years ago, was it?

Graham Norton14:19

Do you know I have no ideas? Being gay in Ireland for me was a bit academic.

Graham Norton14:24

There was no one really to be gay with, so uh

Presenter14:26

So you were just there, but were you worrying about it? I mean, again, you've talked about seeing Larry Grayson on the television and kind of identifying in a funny kind of way.

Graham Norton14:27

This

Graham Norton14:36

Yes, you do. I I think you

Graham Norton14:38

You think um

Graham Norton14:40

I I feel like that, but there's a sort of equally a horror. Does that mean that I'm going to have to be like that? I felt different. I felt other growing up.

Graham Norton14:50

But then I was able to assign those feelings to all sorts of things. The fact that we never lived anywhere for very long, so I was always the new kid. The fact that I was a Protestant growing up south there were there were all sorts of reasons why I should feel

Graham Norton15:04

Different. And it was really only when I left Ireland that I recognised that some of those feelings weren't about being a Protestant.

Speaker 215:04

Mm.

Graham Norton15:13

And like I say, if if I had recognized the feelings, what what on earth would I have done with them? I'd have just been watching television, being gay.

Presenter15:21

But you did escape, you did run away because you got so depressed, I read, anyway. Not true.

Graham Norton15:27

No, it was a a slow it was a slow dissolve to running. It wasn't quite a kind of you know a a pistol and I off I went. I just recognized that I wasn't happy. To begin with, university was great. It opened up a whole new world to me. I was meeting people who watched movies, who read books, I loved it. But after two years, it was enough. It wasn't doing it for me anymore and I wanted to get away. And Ireland has this thing with America, an agreement, a J1 visa, which means that our students can go and work in America. So I got one and off I went.

Presenter16:01

We shall discover where in a minute there's a little cliffhanger. Let's have record number four

Graham Norton16:05

Oh, this is Liz Manelli, another guest, and also someone I'm a big fan of, singing Maybe This Time.

Graham Norton16:12

This I love this song because it's all about how

Graham Norton16:16

The heart is such an idiot um that it continues to hope uh even though it knows it shouldn't.

Speaker 316:24

Maybe this time.

Speaker 316:27

I'll be lucky.

Speaker 316:30

Maybe this time he'll stay.

Speaker 316:42

Maybe this time.

Speaker 316:45

For the first time

Speaker 316:48

Love won't hurry away

Presenter16:53

Eliza Minelli, and maybe this time from the soundtrack of Cabaret. So, Graham Norton, you so, Graham Norton.

Presenter17:00

There. You dissolved to San Francisco. You've said it was bliss. Tell us about the bliss. Well, you'd probably better not tell us about all of the bliss, but how was it bliss? How did it suit?

Graham Norton17:11

It was just a terrific, you know, basically San Francisco is populated by people who've run away. It's extraordinary. It's just a sort of little fantasy world where people go and lick their wounds and then get on with their lives. And when I arrived there, through all sorts of odd coincidences and phone calls and connections, I ended up living in a hippie commune for a year. And of course, to begin with, you know, there I am. I'm 21, I think, maybe 22. No, 21, 20. And to begin with, you know, wildly conservative and very judgmental of these hippies. But over the year, really grew to love them. And they were just amazing people. And they taught me sort of everything.

Presenter17:55

And you fell in love.

Graham Norton17:56

I did. Did I fall in love twice? I probably fell in love twice, I think, in semester.

Presenter18:00

Once

Graham Norton18:03

Yes, uh oboe. Oboe help.

Presenter18:05

Mm.

Graham Norton18:05

Um

Presenter18:06

Yeah.

Graham Norton18:06

Yeah.

Presenter18:06

And did he help you? I mean, did did that solve the problem? I mean, well, you said you were obviously worried and not quite sure who you were and what you were and and there you find out. It's simple as that, isn't it?

Graham Norton18:07

I mean it

Graham Norton18:10

Well, you've said you know obviously

Graham Norton18:17

I suppose it is I mean it is that simple, I and yet not that simple. I remember even at the time, you know, after sleeping with Oba, I remember I was in the kitchen and I was talking to a a woman who lived in the house and I was I think I'm supposed to be lying awake at night and having, you know, crying and having terrible crises and ooh, what's happening to me, what's going on? And I never felt like that. It just seemed perfectly nice.

Presenter18:43

And eventually you came back across the Atlantic, but you came here, you came to London, didn't you? And and enrolled at the at Drama School, the Central School. So you wanted to be a serious actor at that point, did you?

Graham Norton18:54

Yes, I think everyone aspires to be taken seriously. Everyone wants to play the leading role and be the romantic lead. I think everyone does.

Presenter19:02

I think everyone does. But how did you discover that you couldn't do it? You couldn't be a serious actor?

Graham Norton19:07

Because I was rubbish. I you know, people would laugh at me. If I attempted to be I would do audition pieces and I genuinely thought they were serious and people would laugh. And of course you just that sounds quite nice, so you go with it. You kinda oh, go is this funny? Okay, fine.

Presenter19:24

Yeah, but not in the middle of check off.

Graham Norton19:26

Yes, I was I did Oswald seeing ghosts. I think Oswald is in ghosts. And I thought I was uh being very moving, uh just giving my Oswald. And uh afterwards uh one of the teachers said that I seem like an irate window dresser which is probably true.

Presenter19:29

I think also

Presenter19:44

Echo number five.

Graham Norton19:46

Record number five is in a movie called I forgot Oh, One from the Heart, that's what it's called. And it's Crystal Gale and Tom Waits, but th Tom Waits doesn't sing on this, but this is I really I'd like to take the whole album with me is what I want. But here's just a l a little bit of Crystal Gale and Take Me Home.

Speaker 320:01

So sorry.

Speaker 320:02

That I broke your heart.

Graham Norton20:03

Bro

Speaker 320:06

Please don't leave my side.

Speaker 320:13

See?

Speaker 320:15

Before

Speaker 320:16

You silly boy, cause I'm still in love with you

Presenter20:30

Take Me Home by Crystal Gale from the soundtrack of One from the Heart. So, Graham, you you stopped doing the the serious acting. You became a barman in London instead, in working in pubs and restaurants around the town, and you're quoted as saying that you became the person I'd been terrified of becoming. What was that? Who was that?

Graham Norton20:49

Well, I suppose when I came to London first and started working in restaurants, I you know, you'd sit you'd meet someone who was like twenty seven and working in a restaurant. And suddenly I was thirty and I was still working in a restaurant with no real

Graham Norton21:04

End in sight.

Presenter21:05

But at the same time you were working up your own act, weren't you? You were Mother Teresa and Yes.

Graham Norton21:10

I sort of

Presenter21:11

You're gonna have to exp

Graham Norton21:12

Yes, I I I it sounds awful, it sounds much worse than it was, but there's something about something that is viewed as completely one thing, like either completely evil or completely good, which strikes me as just funny. It's sort of ridiculous, it's farcical that something could be so extreme. So for that reason, I found Mother Teresa quite a funny figure. And I used to do a thing when I was polishing glasses where I'd put an Irish linen tea towel on my head and pretend to be Mother Teresa. And I sort of

Presenter21:12

Uh

Graham Norton21:40

Built this up into a character and came up with a sort of an hour-long show, put it on, and I got taken to Edinburgh slowly.

Graham Norton21:50

These comic monologues. Every year I would do a new show with another ridiculous title. Who else?

Presenter21:54

Who else did you do, then?

Graham Norton21:55

I did a show called The Karen Carpenter Bar and Grill. I did Charlie's Angels Go to Hell. I did Graham Norton and his Amazing Hostess Trolley. The t the trouble with Edinburgh is you've got to come up with a title months before. So you've not you have no idea what the show is, but you try to think of a title that, ooh, I might buy a ticket to that.

Presenter22:09

Oh yeah.

Presenter22:14

But you got taken you you ended up on Father Ted, didn't you? You had a a role as a kind of happy clappy priest.

Presenter22:23

He was very uncouth.

Graham Norton22:24

Oh no, very awful. And and again, it's it's one of those horrible things where, you know, I thought I was giving this sort of cartoon performance. And then when I watch it back, I sort of think, no.

Presenter22:35

No.

Graham Norton22:35

That's actually quite like me.

Presenter22:37

What he sort of sang lots of poetry songs in camper vans.

Graham Norton22:39

No, no, no, the singing. I don't do the singing and I don't have the uh screaming competitions. But but that's that sort of sort of blind enthusiasm in the face of other people's absolute lethargy is something that I am guilty of.

Presenter22:56

Tell me about the big break. What happened?

Graham Norton22:58

I suppose what happened was I got my dream job, but it was somebody else's. I was asked to guest host for Jack Doherty on Channel Five. Then this really awful eggy thing happened where

Graham Norton23:11

We were both nominated for Best Comedy Newcomer.

Graham Norton23:15

But both nominated for his show. So there we were, sat on a table together at the Comedy Awards. I mean, I think rightly everyone assumed that Jack would win, and then I won. It was

Graham Norton23:29

Singularly, one of the best and one of the worst things to ever happen. And of course, I made it so much worse because I completely not expected to win. I bound up to the stage. Well, I thank people who'd sort of handed me milk ten years before. But forget to thank anyone at Channel 5, anyone on the Jack Doherty Show, or Jack himself.

Graham Norton23:53

I couldn't I mean it I mean it was an awkward situation and ooh

Presenter23:56

And you make it work.

Graham Norton23:56

I made it worse. It's a gift.

Presenter23:59

It's a gift. Enough. Record number six.

Graham Norton24:02

Record number six is Katie Lang. Katie Lang is the only person I know whose voice is better live. Records just contain her, they compress her. And this is uh I I also really preferred her when she was country and western, pure country, rather than now she's a bit loungy. So this is tears don't care who cry them.

Speaker 324:25

Tears don't care who cries them.

Speaker 324:33

They don't care at all.

Speaker 324:39

Anytime.

Speaker 324:41

The heart starts breaking.

Speaker 324:46

They will fall and fall rich man.

Speaker 324:53

Oh my

Presenter24:55

Tears Don't Care Who Cry Them by KD Lang. What fascinates me now, Graham, is that you've signed up for the BBC, haven't you? I mean, you are officially now working for the BBC.

Graham Norton25:05

Yes, I believe this is my first official BBC gig.

Presenter25:09

But you're not going to be on it televisually until the autumn, that's right.

Graham Norton25:12

Uh no, I think we were on air in October.

Presenter25:12

Yeah.

Presenter25:15

Yeah, and you're you're being called in to kind of give new life to Saturday evenings, which apparently are the least watched is the least watched night on television these days. Did you read that? It's fascinating.

Graham Norton25:25

I didn't read that, but thanks for telling me.

Presenter25:28

This is your job. This is your job, Graham, and BBC's paying you for it. Um but what on earth are you going to do? I mean, here's the B B C approaching charter renewal and it hires you, who are incredibly dangerous, as discussed?

Graham Norton25:28

This is your job!

Graham Norton25:38

Well, the the the timing probably isn't great, but there you go. I don't I it's odd the way that people discuss me going to the BBC'cause they talk about oh, he's going to have to tone it down. Well

Speaker 325:47

Boom.

Graham Norton25:48

I'm not going to tone it down. I'm making a different programme for a different audience. I mean, I would be mad and Lorraine Heggis would be mad to sign me up thinking I'm going to come bounding onto television at 7 p.m. on a Saturday night, you know, waving a marital aide and coming out with a stream of marital aid. I like this aid.

Presenter26:05

I love this marital aid.

Presenter26:08

I thought I thought it was a good idea.

Presenter26:12

Maybe there are many and varied forms of these things.

Graham Norton26:15

I wouldn't know. No, nor I. Well, actually no, I do know.

Graham Norton26:19

But it you know, I think

Graham Norton26:21

We both know that it's perfectly possible to do a different job. It's like if you the way you are with your granny compared to the way you are with your friends. It's still you. You're being yourself. You're not being dishonest. I mean, it's gonna be hard. No everyone knows it's gonna be hard.

Presenter26:37

You're brainstorming as we speak.

Graham Norton26:39

They are people if my brain doesn't storm.

Graham Norton26:46

It clouds a bit, but that's a that's as good as it gets.

Presenter26:47

That's a

Presenter26:49

Number seven.

Graham Norton26:50

Number seven. Now, I have to say there's been a lot of sad music today, but al all of them are actually kind of about happy memories. They bring back kind of joyful things to me. So this is a very sad thing, Sinead O'Connor, Nothing Compares to You, but it just reminds me of so many lovely times, particularly my friend Helen, she lives in Paris, and it there's one particular weekend in Paris.

Graham Norton27:12

All the windows in our apartment were open and it was a gorgeous spring day and we were just blasting this out over and over again.

Speaker 327:26

Went to the doctor and guess what he told me, guess what he told me. He said, Girl, you better try to help for no matter what you do.

Speaker 327:39

But he's a fool

Speaker 327:41

Cause nothing compared.

Speaker 327:46

But they compare

Speaker 327:48

Yeah.

Presenter27:51

Sinead O'Connor with nothing compares to you. Well, now, Graham, um, you're not going to enjoy this desert island because you're too busy, I read.

Presenter27:59

Enjoying your newfound wealth and success, um come on, how many houses do you own?

Graham Norton28:05

M I I four.

Graham Norton28:07

Yeah.

Presenter28:07

Really? Where are they?

Graham Norton28:07

Uh there's one here in London, uh there's another one in New York, this is awful, uh there's one in Cape Town and there's one in Ireland.

Presenter28:16

And have you got sort of an endless entourage of people who look after these things? I mean, are you fussed? Are you starry?

Presenter28:21

Eh, I don't th I don't think so.

Graham Norton28:23

But then I probably am. You know, and you find yourself you know you don't

Presenter28:26

You wouldn't know.

Graham Norton28:27

Well, now come on, you've only been doing it for six years, you would know. But you're chatting on, you're chatting on, and you'll suddenly say something like something about my trainer.

Graham Norton28:36

And then, of course, you do just want to punch yourself in the head. But yes, I do have things like that.

Presenter28:42

that we have a trainer.

Graham Norton28:43

We we have a trainer. Do we have a trainer?

Presenter28:44

Do we have traders?

Graham Norton28:46

But we do English.

Presenter28:48

But so you in I mean, the point is you enjoy being rich. Somebody said, you know, I've done rich, I've done poor, and rich is better. I know.

Graham Norton28:53

Fair enough.

Graham Norton28:56

There are very few problems uh that you can't throw money at, and that's horrible, but true.

Presenter29:01

And you invest wisely, I'm told.

Graham Norton29:05

Yes, I've read that as well. I do hope it's true.

Graham Norton29:11

I I think the reason I buy houses is because the idea of investing in stocks and shares seems so dull. You know, you can't show someone round your portfolio. But a house is a lovely thing to have.

Presenter29:21

So being on your own, leaving all this behind on a desert island

Presenter29:25

The thought terrifies you, depresses you, what does it do to you?

Graham Norton29:28

Really? I mean, in that, one of my favorite things to do is.

Graham Norton29:33

to come home at the end of a day and shut the door. I do like being up by myself. You know, there's an island that you might wear a bit thin.

Graham Norton29:42

But initially it wouldn't terrify me.

Presenter29:45

Yeah.

Graham Norton29:45

Utape.

Presenter29:45

Yeah.

Graham Norton29:46

I think so. I think I'll be all right.

Presenter29:47

That'll be alright.

Graham Norton29:48

Hmm.

Graham Norton29:50

in my own manner. You know, I mightn't meet kind of high desert island standards. My shelter mightn't be to everyone's taste. But uh I I think I'd cope.

Presenter30:01

Brilliant. Tell me about your last record.

Graham Norton30:03

Oh, last record um is Diana Ross Chain Reaction, and it just brings me to a very happy place. I once gave myself a black eye, such was my uh impatience to get on the dance floor to to dance to this thing.

Speaker 330:20

You got it.

Speaker 330:22

Your multi-dimensional heart

Speaker 330:26

You're alive, waiting for the sweet sensation. Instead of radiation, you let me hold you for the bird's explosion. We got a picture of

Presenter30:43

Jamie Action and Diana Ross. Now if you could wait for dancing

Speaker 330:46

Love you.

Presenter30:48

Well you're right. I mean I don't know how you gave yourself a black eye but it does make you want to get out there doesn't it?

Speaker 330:49

I don't know how you get it.

Presenter30:53

Nah, if you could only take one of those eight records, which one would you take?

Graham Norton30:56

This is shameful, but I will take Islands in the Stream, sung by Dolly Farton and me. And also the name But the World should thank me because it'll never be heard again. It'll be in my bag on the desert island.

Presenter30:59

Somebody

Presenter31:03

This is outrageous.

Presenter31:09

What about your book? You get the Bible, you get complete works of Shakespeare.

Presenter31:13

I think I'll take Mansfield Park. Yeah.

Graham Norton31:14

Uh Really? Yes, that's what I think I'll take. Oh, hi. Um, I j I I love that book. Um it's so neat and tidy and prim. Oh, but no, they go beyond the garden. They go p they go over the gate into the wildness, and that's when bad things happen. Um I I I like it. And also I like there's an awful lot about performing in that book.

Presenter31:34

Yes, they do a bit of acting and sort of cast each other as lovers. I think this is the great.

Graham Norton31:37

I think this is the great crime, isn't it? Yes, things end badly for the actors.

Presenter31:41

Okay.

Graham Norton31:41

Um

Presenter31:42

We make it sound very exciting.

Graham Norton31:44

It's a great book. Anyway, that's what I'm saying.

Presenter31:46

Okay, your luxury.

Graham Norton31:48

My luxury. Now, I've always said that the luxury I'd bring is a mirror, because I think it'd be quite good to to save your sanity.

Graham Norton31:55

That you could

Graham Norton31:56

You know, see that you exist rather than just getting kind of lost in the

Graham Norton32:02

Lost in the trees.

Presenter32:03

This is the philosophical Norton speaking.

Graham Norton32:05

Yes. A very shallow philosophical treatise there. A mirror will keep you sane.

Graham Norton32:12

Shave and you won't go mad.

Presenter32:15

Graham Norton, thank you very much indeed for letting us hear your desert island discs. Thank you.

Graham Norton32:18

Keep

Speaker 232:26

You've been listening to a podcast from the Desert Island Discs archive. For more podcasts, please visit bbc.co.uk/slash radio four.

Speaker 333:17

Yeah.