Paul Merton

Speaker 20:00

Hello, I'm Kirsty Young, and this is a podcast from the Desert Island Discs Archive. For rights reasons, we've had to shorten the music.

Speaker 20:08

The programme was originally broadcast in nineteen ninety three and the presenter was Sue Lawley.

Presenter0:29

My castaway this week is a comedian. Born and brought up in South London, he began his career at Tooting Employment Office. Undeterred, perhaps inspired by such surroundings, he pursued his ambition to make people laugh and eventually became a stand-up comic at London's comedy store. From there, he graduated into radio and television. He now has his own series on Channel 4, has appeared on Radio 4's I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue in Just a Minute, and is part of the regular team on BBC Two's Have I Got News for You. He once said that watching clowns at a circus when he was three years old decided him on his career. I had, he says, no idea that adults could behave like that. He is Paul Merton. So you've wanted to make people laugh as long as you can remember, have you, Paul?

Paul Merton1:14

Yes, I can't remember a time when I didn't. When I was three or four years old, I my games that I played on my own consisted of performing to an audience, an invisible audience. You know, my mother tells me I can't really remember it, but when I was about two years old, she saw me in front of the television where the Joe Loss Orchestra was playing, and I was standing there with a knitting needle, sort of conducting along, you know.

Presenter1:35

And you used to practise your own autograph, huh?

Paul Merton1:37

Yes, I I thought that was something that everybody did until a few weeks ago.

Presenter1:41

But who made you laugh as a child? I mean, on the television or wherever? Well, I had a great sort of

Paul Merton1:45

Well, I had a great sort of thirst for it all really. So I you know, I would if the BBC was rebroadcasting some Hancock or something, I would I had a little tape recorder along with all cassette recorders and put the microphone up against the speak on the radio and listen to that. Goon shows, um, round the horn, all that kind of stuff on radio. And television it would be Arthur Haynes I can remember watching and enjoying. Films it'd be the Marx Brothers or going back earlier to Chaplin. I was trying to absorb everything really, you know.

Presenter2:15

But I was going to ask you about specifically about Tony Hancock,'cause

Paul Merton2:18

Because

Presenter2:18

There is a resemblance. I don't know if people have said this before, but that lugubrious kind of rather morose style that you have.

Paul Merton2:21

Yeah.

Paul Merton2:24

Possibly, yes, but I don't sort of. He's just one of many people, really. It has been mentioned before, and I sort of poo-poo the suggestion, really.

Presenter2:33

Because there there was a description of you in in Time Out not long ago, which is fairly unflattering, but you won't mind if I'm just

Paul Merton2:38

No, well I I've never read timeout, so it'll be a surprise to me.

Presenter2:40

But it could have been written about Hancock, funnily enough. It says he has a deadpan demeanour accentuated by a hang-dog expression, slouching posture, and prematurely pot bellied physique.

Paul Merton2:43

Funny enough.

Presenter2:53

I mean, rings a bell, huh?

Paul Merton2:55

Yes, I suppose so. Um

Paul Merton2:57

Yes, I I suppose there are similarities there, yes, but I have no intention of going to Australia.

Presenter3:02

But the the the same article says that you you make Ken Livingston sound animated. But you're not like that. You're not like that in real life. That's the interesting thing. You're not morose and unsmiling. You're not the same.

Paul Merton3:07

Like that. You're not

Paul Merton3:10

That's interesting.

Paul Merton3:12

I think Hancock probably was like that in real life. That's one of the differences. But it's an act.

Presenter3:16

But it's an act then, is it? This rather slightly aggressive first.

Presenter3:22

So, how did you stumble upon it then? Why did you decide that actually not being very forthcoming was

Paul Merton3:22

What did you s

Paul Merton3:26

Well, I always had this thing. I never particularly liked comedians who laughed at their own jokes, you know. I sort of if the loudest laughs coming from the comic, and then it's something's gone wrong somewhere, you know. Uh one of the first things I did at the comedy store was this sketch about a policeman taking an hallucinogenic drug. And he starts off in a very policeman-like manner. I was patrolling along the road on October 27th, and gets, you know, get 20 seconds of that. Then he reveals he's been given a hallucinogenic drug, disguised as a smarty. Then he carries on to describe his hallucination in the same deadpan way while sitting aboard an intergalactic spacecraft and all that kind of thing. And that worked very well because it was the morose policeman in court.

Paul Merton4:08

being very much a sort of stereotypical policeman really, but describing these fantastic things about meeting Marilyn Monroe on top of a bus shelter. And it worked very well. It was a combination of the fantastic allied with the very uh straight, deadpan, down to earth delivery.

Presenter4:25

So what's the first record you're going to play on this desert island?

Paul Merton4:28

It's a a song called Spreadin' played by the Kronos Quartet. It's a bunch of Western musicians working with African composers. And it's rather cheery and and uplifting, I think.

Speaker 34:40

Yeah, I go out to the bottom.

Presenter5:06

Spreading, played by the Cronus Quartet. Now, Paul Merton, we need the inside story on Have I Got News for You? How much is it ad-libbed? How much is it over-recorded? Is it heavily edited?

Paul Merton5:12

How much is

Paul Merton5:16

Well, what happens is it's recorded the night before it goes out, so it's recorded on a Thursday. Now the stuff that Angus does is he doesn't like people to know, so it's on auto queue, which he works with the producer from Monday onwards writing all those links and they're doing all the kind of heavy work on it.

Paul Merton5:35

and finding the questions and bits of film and all that sort of stuff. And myself and Ian go in on a Thursday afternoon, early evening, about half past five. We're there to about half eight and that's it. We're finished.

Presenter5:47

But have you spent all week looking at possible captions or headlines maybe you've got your mind working at it all week trying to think up a funny question

Paul Merton5:51

And you know,

Paul Merton5:54

Well yes, to s to as much as you can afford to do about going potty, you know, about looking at all the tabloids. Um and you get an you get a kind of instinct for it after a while. I remember a couple of years ago there was a story, man sleeps with pet pig and how he shared the bed with this pig and the wife said, Well, it's either me or the pig so, you know, she left and and he carried on with the pig and you sort of read that and you think, oh that that'll come up.

Presenter6:12

I've done it.

Presenter6:17

But are there lots of jokes afterwards that you tried to make that didn't quite work? Anything f for him say, cut that out.

Paul Merton6:22

Um

Presenter6:22

Yeah.

Paul Merton6:23

Yes, inevitably. I mean, we only record about forty five minutes' worth, so if it's not um if it's not a good show in there somewhere, I mean and also with the nature of this thing, because a lot of it is ad lib stuff, there is a finite uh period on it. If you haven't got anything in forty five minutes, you're not gonna get it in an hour and a half because your energy goes down and

Presenter6:40

Bauna

Paul Merton6:43

It's you're not just reciting lines, you know, you're trying to find fresh stuff.

Presenter6:47

But you make it sound all of it as if it's really not very difficult, but nobody's funny by accident. It takes quite a lot of hard work.

Paul Merton6:54

Yes, it i it is. I mean, it it's the the thing I can do on that is based on the fact I've been performing for about ten years and improvising since about eighty five, so I'm in the habit of saying things off the top of my head and not being thrown if something doesn't work.

Presenter7:08

And you get the the non-comic guest and you get the politician. How much hard work is that to keep him in play?

Paul Merton7:11

Yeah.

Paul Merton7:12

Yeah.

Paul Merton7:16

They generally fall into two camps. Either they don't say anything at all and they're just frozen by the whole thing and you're just

Paul Merton7:24

Anything they say which you can turn into a joke

Paul Merton7:27

or take on somewhere will help it, you know. And other times th they talk nonstop and none of it's any good. So whenever you watch it and then you just see one of the fourth member of the panel just smiling at everybody else's joke and saying nothing, it's either because they didn't say anything at all or they spoke for hours and none of it was any good.

Presenter7:43

Let's have some more music.

Paul Merton7:45

Record number two is a song from a musical called Billy that was staged about 1973, starring Michael Crawford around about the time he was having his big hit with some Mothers Do Album. Billy Lye was a book that I loved because it was basically the kind of thing that I was going through, this boy, in his case living in the north, who wanted to be a comedian or wanted to write for comedians and didn't know how to do it and lived in this kind of water-mitty dream world where all these kind of things happened. And I went to see it because I liked the book and it was just wonderful. It was a brilliant night out. It kind of fed all my egotistical thoughts about what a life in show business would be, which was basically stand on a stage when everybody just says we love you and adore you. You know, when you're sort of 14, 15 years old, that's a very attractive lifestyle. You know, of course it's not like that, but that's how it... it fed all my illusions about it at the time.

Speaker 38:37

Uh

Speaker 38:41

This is how they be.

Speaker 38:55

Silly Billy.

Speaker 38:59

Finding Fame Inside a Tica.

Speaker 39:05

Looks at clouds and sees a rain.

Presenter9:11

Michael Crawford down a quick gay sopa and Elaine Page singing Billy.

Presenter9:16

So you say, Paul, that you identified with Billy Lye, who I sincerely sat in the lavatory most of the time, ripping up brochures that he hadn't delivered somewhere and trying to stuff them down the passage.

Paul Merton9:20

Why Sintra

Paul Merton9:24

Yes, for a series for a firm of funeral directors. I think it was calendars, I think it was, that it was meant to deliver.

Presenter9:29

Christmas calendars, yes.

Presenter9:32

But but was life similarly so exciting at Tooting Employment Office for you?

Paul Merton9:36

Um well it was one of those things when I left school I mean how do you sort of you know careers officers would say to well what do you want to do? You know how can you say I want to be a comedian and you know they they won't say well all right we'll get you to fix you up with Harry Wirth and Petula Clark's show in Eastbourne. I mean it doesn't work like that so you you I never told anybody what I wanted to do because the reaction would be well they would laugh but it sort of laughed the wrong kind of laugh and

Presenter10:00

But didn't your friends know?

Paul Merton10:02

Well I no, they didn't really, no. Around about this time it was all a little bit upsetting. I sort of although it turned out all right in the end, I got sent to Coventry by everybody I knew at school, which was about sort of five or six people that I was friendly with. And of course if you're sent to Coventry you don't know why because nobody's speaking to you. And so there was a sort of period of about sort of seven or eight months at school where I really I mean I fell in with some other people but I weren't really sort of friends or whatever.

Paul Merton10:27

But through that I then met uh John Irwin, the person I write the T V shows that were scripted with, and he was at the same school, so that was great, so that was the plus side of it all. But for a while there was an awful lot of loneliness really, you know, and

Paul Merton10:41

And

Presenter10:42

And you were a naturally shy person.

Paul Merton10:44

Yes, I think that's quite I think that's true of a lot of performers, I think, particularly sort of comic performers.

Presenter10:49

What about i in uh in class though? I mean, were you imaginative in English lessons and were you writing well even then?

Paul Merton10:55

My academic career peaked when I was about eight years old. I had a teacher who was a very good teacher called Mrs. Gately, who I'm sure is no longer might still be alive, but this was a long time ago now. And I was very good at English with her and and I was so good that I was taking other kids in the class for reading lessons and things like that, you know, and and and and being generally very clever.

Paul Merton11:17

In a rather sickening way, probably. But then we had the summer holidays, and the teacher changed, and I got this nun who.

Paul Merton11:24

Had a very strange sort of view of what you could and couldn't write. And we had something like the essay was what we did for our school holidays, our summer holidays, or whatever. And so I, you know, we went, my me and my family went to Little Hampton. It was very good. It was very nice. A spaceship landed. I got on the spaceship and I went to the moon. It was very cold. And then something else happened, you know. And she sort of castigated me in front of the entire class because he said this didn't happen. You can't write something that's untrue. You know, I say.

Paul Merton11:57

And so she read this essay out and then you know the other kids then started to write in the same vein. Suddenly they're like, well, you know, why are we writing about sort of buckets and spades when we can write about spaceships or dinosaurs or whatever it is? And two or three weeks later she again sort of made me stand up in front of the rest of the class and and blamed me for this new trend that had been established.

Paul Merton12:19

And it just seemed to me so wrong headed, but when you're eight years old and there's a a nun telling you that everything that feels right for you is totally wrong.

Paul Merton12:28

Then that's a bit disturbing.

Presenter12:30

However, you did end up your education with a bit more than the CSE in woodwork that you've put about.

Paul Merton12:36

Metalwork. I got this ungraded metalwork. Ungraded.

Presenter12:39

But it got an English A level as well.

Paul Merton12:41

Yes. So I yeah, I got a couple of A levels at the end of it.

Presenter12:44

Next record.

Paul Merton12:45

Next record is rather sh shame shamefaced really. I sort of I I picked the Beatles song because I used to really like the Beatles a great deal and still do, although I don't really play their records any more.

Paul Merton12:55

And I thought, well, do I want to take something that I've heard over and over again?

Paul Merton12:59

And I thought well I must have a one Beatles song, and so if it's one Beatles song I suppose it's got to be a day in the life, but I haven't played it for years, and I don't suppose I'd play it that much on the island, but it'd feel odd if I didn't have it.

Speaker 313:09

I saw a fulfillment today, oh boy.

Speaker 313:15

The English Army had just won the war.

Speaker 313:22

A crowd of people turns away

Speaker 313:27

But I just had to look.

Speaker 313:31

Having red little

Presenter13:39

The Beatles and a Day in the Life. So when did you pluck up the courage to leave Tooting Employment Office?

Paul Merton13:44

Well I I You were there for years? Well I was there for about two and a half years you make it sound like a life sentence and it was good fun, I I enjoyed it and I was uh my part of my duties involved the New Towns scheme, which was this scheme started up the second after the Second World War, which basically the idea is people who lived in bad houses in London could go to Milton Keynes or Basildon or Bracknell and all these places.

Paul Merton14:07

And um I used to get this hilarious newsletter from Milton Keynes, the Milton Keynes Bulletin.

Paul Merton14:13

This is round about all the time with the concrete cows and stuff. Do you remember that story where they built a herd of concrete cows in a field and then somebody said, Well, why are you you know, these cows all had were made out of bits of builders' rubble, so they had all sort of square jaws and you know, it looked as if they'd been in car accidents. And the spokesman said, Yes, but if you're passing overhead in a plane, it looks like a real herd. And they had a concrete milk made on a concrete stool and all this kind of stuff.

Paul Merton14:39

And uh all this kind of hilarious things. And people would come into s me and say, I want to go and live in Milton Keynes and I'd have to say, Well,

Presenter14:46

You two know the cars are making

Paul Merton14:46

You two

Paul Merton14:47

Yeah, so I'd I'd I'd send I'd always send them along first of all and the deal was if they could get a job there and this was like you know less than a million unemployed then they all could also get a house. It was quite a good scheme so I wasn't ever involved in that kind of work where I was saying well why haven't you worked for three years? you know, and it's out well I've got a bad back and I say well I know it's terrible isn't it, you try one of them cushions. I hadn't you know, I was useless at all that kind of sort of

Presenter15:02

You know

Presenter15:08

You enjoyed life at the employment office.

Paul Merton15:10

Yes, for a certain, but I also thought, well, if I don't leave now, or roundabout now, then I'll be here forever.

Presenter15:16

But now was an auspicious day, wasn't it?

Paul Merton15:18

Hmm.

Paul Merton15:19

Well, I saw yes, I left on I waited till February the twenty ninth, just so I wouldn't forget the date that I left, nineteen eighty. And it was still a couple of years

Paul Merton15:28

After that, before I actually got the nerve to do what I wanted to do, to try it out, because the big fear was: well.

Paul Merton15:35

Supposing I can't do it, suppose I'm I'm not really good at it.

Presenter15:38

But if you didn't leap you wouldn't never know, you know.

Paul Merton15:39

Then I would never know, you know. So so one night in April eighty two I found myself at the comedy store above a strip club in Soho at half past one in the morning, walking onto a stage in front of a bunch of drunk people.

Paul Merton15:53

You know, and uh

Presenter15:54

This is kind of London's answer to Glasgow Empire.

Paul Merton15:56

Yeah, well yes, that's not a bad uh comparison. Yes, it's the clos it was at that time the closest you would get to, um, except that you didn't in Glasgow you would get a certain amount of uh credence if you were from Glasgow. In London it didn't matter, you know, whether you lived in Stepney Green all your life or whatever, you know, they were gonna get you if there was they could smell blood.

Presenter16:17

But as far as your profession was concerned, or your trade, if you like, if you could do it there, you could do it anywhere. That was the thought.

Paul Merton16:23

Yes, and also I was very lucky in that the second one I did there was this policeman on the on the drug thing I mentioned earlier and it went really well. I didn't have an act and I didn't really know what I was doing but this one night, the second or third time I ever did it, it every dream had come true and I walked all the way home and I was living in a bedset in Strandhammer on a cloud of euphoria. And that got me through every single of which there were many sort of barriers after that, you know,'cause I didn't know what I was doing. But I was lucky to get that encouragement early on and that kept me going over the next sort of eighteen months of, you know, just dying the whole time.

Presenter16:56

Next record.

Paul Merton16:58

Ah, next record. Now, I I thought I would I would should have something that is very soothing, something that I would go to sleep listening to late at night on this desert island. So, um

Paul Merton17:09

It's an instrumental track by a group called REM and it's called Endgame.

Speaker 317:32

Da da da da

Speaker 317:36

Ra da da da da da da.

Presenter17:44

R. E. M. and Endgame. Your career's been rather dogged by disaster, hasn't it, Paul?

Paul Merton17:49

Only

Paul Merton17:51

Checkered, yes.

Presenter17:53

Uh

Presenter17:53

We'll start with 1986 performing on the fringe in Edinburgh, Mugged in the Lothian Road.

Paul Merton17:58

Yes, that's right. Um somebody was putting up posters for their show, not my show, and I, you know, were looking for a hand and so I sort of volunteered and so there we were at sort of midnight putting up these posters and these sort of three guys came round the corner, luckily wearing soft shoes, who sort of just looked for trouble and I sort of said the wrong thing at the wrong time or whatever and this guy came vaulting over a sort of barricade at me and kicked me in the head and I was you know, it was dreadful and I was had to go to hospital and I was

Presenter18:23

Yeah.

Paul Merton18:25

Sort of badly shaken and stuff.

Presenter18:27

And then a year later, nineteen eighty seven, you were in hospital again.

Paul Merton18:30

Yeah, well I didn't think I'd really done the disastrous thing enough really, I thought because it'd been sort of motivated by other people who stopped just when it was getting interesting. So the next year I opened in a sort of one-man show the first time I did that up there and went out and played football with a bunch of comedians the next day, which is a sort of tradition up there. It's about as interesting as watching a bunch of footballers telling jokes, but nevertheless we gave it a go. And I just sort of fell over I think I just sort of fell over the the end of my trouser leg or something like that, because I was running along and suddenly my feet were where my head had been and there was this crack, very loud sort of you know, bone breaking. And it was a very bad break and so that was the end of the show for that week.

Presenter19:12

But you'd had rave reviews.

Paul Merton19:13

Yes, I had very good reviews, probably the best reviews I've ever had really, on based on the one night I I had done. And I was in hospital for about three or four days with a broken leg. And then I got this very bad pain in my side and it turned out to be a a a thing called a pulmonary embolism, which is a blood clot which sort of forms sometimes after sort of a breakage.

Paul Merton19:33

And it's all very sort of life threatening really, and that your the blood clock can go, you know, brain, heart or lungs, and it went to my lung luckily, if it goes to the brain or heart, it's sort of, you know, that's it really.

Presenter19:42

So then you got hepatitis.

Paul Merton19:44

Then I got hepatitis AU while I was in hospital as well.

Presenter19:46

I'm sorry to laugh.

Paul Merton19:47

I know, and it was sort of it didn't really matter that I got hepatitis A because it sort of they said, Oh well I think you just got that from the hospital food, the doctor's opinion was, but it was a horrendous time.

Presenter19:56

But what that meant was that you were, what, twenty-nine years old. You just

Paul Merton20:00

Yeah, just third just third, yeah.

Presenter20:01

Just got your first big break and then suddenly everything's in tatters around you and stuffing's knocked out of you.

Paul Merton20:03

Yeah.

Paul Merton20:06

Yeah.

Presenter20:08

I mean, do you do you feel a bit jinxed? Do you feel a bit

Paul Merton20:11

No, I don't think so, no. I I I mean, it was you know, it was just desperately unlucky, but it again it's like one of those things of trying to find something positive out of a b a a terribly

Paul Merton20:22

Depressing experience.

Presenter20:23

And you got quite depressed.

Presenter20:26

Is there a dark side, a black side to your personality? Do you have to work quite hard to

Paul Merton20:31

I think so. No, I don't know. I don't have to sort of think oh, I don't have sudden mood swings or whatever, you know. I mean, I it it was a it was a depressing experience. The one the one thing that it gave me was time to think really in hospital, because if you're that ill, there's not much else you can do. And so I kind of sort of

Paul Merton20:48

Attempted to plot my future career from that point and thought, well, once I

Paul Merton20:53

recover from this in a few months' time, then I shall make start making strenuous efforts to get my own television show. That stemmed from there.

Presenter21:02

It's a story of enormous determination, though, this. I mean, there you are lying in Edinburgh, and frankly, not a lot going for you.

Paul Merton21:06

I mean hey well

Speaker 321:07

Uh

Speaker 321:08

Yeah.

Paul Merton21:08

Thank you.

Speaker 321:08

Uh

Speaker 321:09

Uh

Paul Merton21:10

Yeah.

Speaker 321:10

Uh

Presenter21:11

Not going against you actually, but and also n not much of a career under your belt, and yet still you think you're going to make it.

Speaker 321:11

Yeah. Uh

Paul Merton21:11

Uh

Speaker 321:12

Uh

Paul Merton21:12

Yeah.

Paul Merton21:17

Yes. Well that was always because I always had that drive from an early age, but what I didn't have at an early age was the

Paul Merton21:23

Confidence.

Paul Merton21:25

you know, to do it because of that thing about, well, supposing it doesn't work and

Paul Merton21:29

You know, and all that kind of thing. But yes, it was.

Presenter21:31

Which is a a tremendously strong belief in yourself, isn't it?

Paul Merton21:34

But yes, it was there at at the heart of it all, deep down, a a sort of determination to to get where I wanted to get.

Presenter21:43

Record number five.

Paul Merton21:44

Well record number five was some uh Summer Sambus, uh it's called. This was a tape that somebody bought me while I was in hospital and it's just one of those songs I played and s and I and I liked it and I just played it all the time, you know, for for several months. So I suppose

Paul Merton21:58

I've picked it just as if I'd need reminded of that tale time in Edinburgh.

Speaker 322:04

Cling to me, stay with me right along Someone to sing to me, some little somber song Someone to take my heart, then give this one to me Someone who's ready to give love or start with me

Speaker 322:21

Love would be so nice

Speaker 322:26

Should it be you and me, I can see it would be nice.

Paul Merton22:33

Yes it has that sort of uh organ sort of break in the middle that something that makes you think you're at Butlin's in the Owen ballroom filling in between the knobbly knees competition and the glamorous granny.

Paul Merton22:43

So maybe that appeals as well.

Presenter22:44

Summer Samba, Sonai, sung by Astrude Gilberto.

Presenter22:49

So you work hard at your scripts, Paul, and being funny is hard work. How easy was it then to turn your talent to improvisation, which is what was required of you with Channel Force? Whose line is it anyway?

Paul Merton22:51

Yeah.

Paul Merton23:00

Well, I started doing it around about 1985. There was a a a guy called Mike Myers who went on to do Waynes World, that big film about a year or so ago, who was over here at the time doing a double act with Neil Malarkey. And he was Canadian, and there was also Kit Hollerback, who was working over here, who was American. And they this there's in the States there's a long tradition of improv clubs, wherever you go to any of the big cities they've got they've all got them. And he thought, well, there's not one here. So I was doing a show with Kit and Neil was doing a show with Mike in Edinburgh. And so we got together and they sort of explained what it was. And I thought, well, this is witchcraft. This can't be done. But then gradually, after a while,

Paul Merton23:37

Of doing it regularly and g and just, you know, going to a couple of classes that Kit was holding at the time and just getting experience at it, you realize that all you're really doing is just

Paul Merton23:46

You're talking off the top of your head and it's

Paul Merton23:49

You know, it's like a conversation except that it's got to be funny and stuff.

Presenter23:52

We should explain for anybody who hasn't seen Whose Line Is It Anyway, that that it's a program in which you're required to to act and be funny about any subject or anybody and yes, and sometimes these things are suggested at random by the audience, so you never do know. You can't possibly have any

Paul Merton23:55

Ah

Paul Merton24:00

Yeah.

Paul Merton24:04

Do you see?

Paul Merton24:05

No, you don't know. No, you don't, you have no idea.

Presenter24:06

Uh

Presenter24:07

It takes a lot of nerve, though, doesn't it? Is that what it needs sheer guts?

Paul Merton24:12

No, not it's more than sheer guts'cause General Patton would be doing it then, wouldn't they? You need again that confidence at the core of it all and if the first thing you say isn't funny, you don't you know, you say the second thing, if that's not funny then let the other person on stage do a bit of talking and then you'll come in with something. The thing is never to sort of think, right, I've got to be funny now, I've got to be funny now, it's my chance, here it comes, oh I didn't say something funny, you know, and then you just you just relax into it and it will happen.

Paul Merton24:38

Record number six. Record number six, um well this is Desert Island. I thought we should have some sort of uh something about water in there somewhere. And um I've always uh liked this particular song. It's by The Beach Boys, um Surfs Up. It's one of uh Brian Wilson's compositions round about the time um he was going off his trolley really, but it's a beautifully sung, beautifully written song I think. Surfs up.

Speaker 325:07

What a title

Speaker 325:11

Come about heart and join The young And often spring you gave I heard the word wonderful

Speaker 325:24

A children's song

Presenter25:32

The Beach Boys and Surfs Up. So is it the determined, optimistic Paul Merton who's going to this desert island, or is it the one who knows that there's a there's a black hole down there if he's not going to

Paul Merton25:41

Is it a line?

Paul Merton25:43

Um, well, I I mean, I don't know how I would survive on this really,'cause I'm essentially a a very non practical person. I couldn't put up a bookshelf, not that I would need to do that on a desert island, but I wouldn't a rude hut or anything like that would be totally beyond me really,'cause I'm useless at all that kind of

Speaker 225:52

Yeah.

Paul Merton25:59

the carpentry, all that kind of thing.

Presenter26:01

You can't even open a coffee flask.

Paul Merton26:01

Can't even

Paul Merton26:03

No, no, exactly.

Presenter26:04

Exactly. But psychologically, how would you cope?

Paul Merton26:07

I don't know. It'd be I mean, it would be very lonely and I've spent

Paul Merton26:11

You know, a number of years living in bedsets and being on my own and stuff like that, but uh I it's not uh an activity that I particularly enjoy. So, no, I don't think I'd be g I'd get on particularly well.

Presenter26:21

You're also by all accounts a an old romantic at heart.

Paul Merton26:24

Mm.

Presenter26:24

You got married fairly recently.

Paul Merton26:26

Yes, within the last sort of eighteen months we did, yes, we got married, it seemed like a good idea.

Presenter26:30

Tell me about the proposal.

Paul Merton26:32

The proposal. Um well I was trying to think of a romantic part of London and uh a statue of Eros in Piggley Circus. It was the most romantic place I could think of, so I got down on one knee in the middle of Pickley Circus with all these homeless people and police walking around and various drunks and stuff and uh proposed marriage, you know, and uh Caroline gave it a very long pause and milked at the moment.

Paul Merton26:56

And then said yes, and it was fine. She's an actress. Yeah, yeah. She was allowed to do that.

Presenter26:58

Yeah, yeah.

Presenter27:00

Caroline Quentin. And is she critical of your appearances? Do do you have professional habits that she doesn't like, apart from personal ones?

Paul Merton27:08

Um

Paul Merton27:09

She's very good. I mean, yeah, she is. I mean, she'll say things about she w she'd never sort of say, Well, that was wonderful if it wasn't, you know, and she'll say that was very good if it was.

Presenter27:17

But most important of all, do you make each other laugh?

Paul Merton27:19

Oh, yes, I think uh but that's essential in any kind of relationship, really, isn't it? But then I d I don't want to paint a picture where

Presenter27:19

Wait.

Paul Merton27:24

As soon as I go home we lock the front door and laugh uproariously till the next morning and then we go out again. I mean there you know there's ups and downs and things.

Presenter27:30

There we go.

Presenter27:32

Record number seven.

Paul Merton27:34

Monsters and Angels by Voice of the Beehive, a sort of two American sisters sort of front the group and the reason why I chose this because it was one of those moments in life where suddenly I got carried away with something. I'd done the Wogan show in 1987 before the broken leg business and I was very full of myself the next day and I was comparing a music event and I was just chatting to the drummer with this group Voice of the Beehive who were on and I was sort of saying well yes I've just he asked me some innocuous question and I immediately turned it around to the fact that I'd been on Wogan the night before and he said he sort of listened to it all and he said I had to do some television for a group I was in and I sort of rather loftily said well what who was that and he said madness and because it was the drummer for madness who played this group and I just sort of what I've just done is I've my ego has got temporarily out of control and it's I'm speaking to this guy from Madness who must have done a thousand television shows all over Europe in the last ten years and here I am talking about being on Wogan or something you know. I went out and sought out the record after I'd met them and it just sort of reminds me just of the other side of being in control of it when suddenly you think you're better or greater than you actually are.

Speaker 328:44

Amongst the Sergeant

Speaker 328:50

There's a peacefulness and a page inside his arm

Speaker 328:56

There is sugar, and there is salt, there is rice and there is fire. And every single heart there wants to stay.

Presenter29:11

Monsters and Angels by Voice of the Beehive. It does seem, Paul, as if you can do no wrong at the moment. I mean you've got another series of your own on four. Have I Got News for You is coming up again on two. You've just written a book. Your own show is touring the country. Do you worry that the bubble's going to burst?

Speaker 329:17

Uh

Paul Merton29:20

Yes.

Paul Merton29:25

And show it.

Paul Merton29:29

No, I don't see it as a bubble really, I'cause I I it I don't think it's like a a manufactured thing. I mean, Have I Got News for You is a success not because I'm on it, but because of the whole nature of things that are going on in that show. There are a number of successful elements of which uh I'm one, I suppose.

Presenter29:45

What um what do your mum and dad think of it all? Are they bemused by your success or did they always know you'd get there in the end?

Paul Merton29:52

Oh, I think they were very bemused at the beginning, you know. Um but it's funny, it's like the power of television. The very first time I was on television, that's when they stopped leaving the situation vacant newspaper lying around with a little ring around a certain job, you know, just casually on the table for me to glance at. And suddenly it was it was great, you know, I I could I could do no wrong then, you know.

Paul Merton30:13

you know how it is, you do one television thing and then nothing for a while. But they were of the idea that once you've done it once, then you're on next week automatically because you've joined the band of people who are on television. No, they they they they they thought it was and think it's great, I'm sure.

Presenter30:27

And and you think it's great. I mean, you're enjoying it.

Paul Merton30:30

Oh yes, yeah. I I I treat it as a as a job and when I go home it's that's try and sort of leave it there, you know, but um no it's it's what I've always wanted to do.

Paul Merton30:40

And

Paul Merton30:41

It's fun.

Paul Merton30:43

Last record. Last record is um a song by the Kinks. I've always been a fan of the Kinks. This is a sort of rather obscure one of theirs. It's a song I think that Ray Davis wrote about an uncle who had gone to Australia who sort of was this man that he, you know, had a great deal of affection for and it's a kind of way of in the song expressing that affection. And it's about sort of, I don't know, being working class and thinking that life's past you by and you you you never

Paul Merton31:09

achieve what you wanted to achieve or you you you were locked into a job very early on which you couldn't leave because children came along and all that kind of thing and they and that's kind of my background really, which is probably what I would have done if I hadn't have got on stage at the comedy store or if it hadn't have worked and it wasn't funny and I was useless at it. It's the kind of thing that I would have done, you know.

Paul Merton31:31

So I suppose it's there for that reason. Also, I like it, it's a good tune.

Speaker 331:34

Or he could have been plenty for everyone

Speaker 331:41

I thought the walls corner pass you by, don't you know it? Don't you know it? You can cry crawling out, but it won't make it right, don't you know it?

Speaker 331:54

Go to the wind.

Speaker 331:57

Out the window, simplifies, don't you go in, don't you?

Presenter32:04

Arthur by the Kinks, if you could only take one of those eight records.

Paul Merton32:08

Um, oh, I think I would have to t I'd have to take the Cronus Quartet one, I think, because it's one of the few ones there that's absolutely uplifting and uh, you know, the other ones sometimes have uh sad memories attached, a couple of them, and I think, yeah, I'd probably take that one, you know, just as a kind of cheery sort of, you know, get up and catch a turtle kind of music.

Presenter32:28

What about your book?

Paul Merton32:29

I think the book I would take would be a a a biography of Buster Keaton by a man called Rudy Blesch, sort of American author from the sort of mid sixties and I got very, very fond of Buster Keaton at one point and I read this book several times and I suppose it uh a lot of my views of what comedy could be and should be was sort of formed by that book and so I would take that one I think.

Presenter32:53

And your luxury.

Paul Merton32:54

Um I'll have a bed please, I think, because there's no point in me making one, you know, it would it wouldn't last the night.

Presenter33:00

Big small sheets of the corner.

Paul Merton33:02

Oh, I think yes, I think um yeah, blankets for if there's a sort of cold snap or whatever, you know, and I think yes, a bit of room a bit of room would be very nice, and a soft mattress that wouldn't need turning that often.

Presenter33:13

Paul Merton, thank you very much indeed for letting us hear your desert island discs.

Paul Merton33:16

Thank you.

Speaker 233:25

You've been listening to a podcast from the Desert Island Discs archive. For more podcasts, please visit bbc.co.uk slash radio four.